THE BIG 1.

Part I







Saturday:

Mayors Apartment (27th Floor)

Good mornin Mayor.
Mornin. Coffee ready?

Yup. What you gonna do?
Bout what?

Weather channel says we’re gonna get a Cat 5 hurricane.
They been saying that for the last 20 years and nothin happened.

Well, Wolf Blitzer is sayin it’s gonna happen and you know what that means.
Yeah. It means if I don’t do something fast and we do have some flooding, he’ll blame the low man on the totem pole. Monotone cracker SOB.

I’ll call the governor and let her know I want to tell everybody to get the (Bleep) outa town. That’ll let me off the hook.

RING RING

Governors Mansion.
This is the Mayor. Let me talk to the Governor.

Why?
Because fool. We’re supposed to get this storm.

I’ll put you on hold.
Hold? Why hold?

She’s putting on her make up.
How long is this going to take?

She uses a lot of makeup. What kind of music do you want to hear?
Little too early for Rap. Got any Jazz?

Hello Mayor. Whats up?
Bla, Bla, Bla
So how bout we get these people out.

Now wait a minute. Don’t be so hasty. Give me a day or so to think it over. Usually I wait to see how many reporters they show getting blown around on the beach to gauge how bad any storm is. I’ll get back to you.
I’m not waiting.
CLICK
Mayors Apartment (27th Floor)

Open up that window.
Why?

I’m going to scream "Everybody out".
What the hell is that all about?

Why not? The Pope says stuff from his window doesn’t he?

SUNDAY:
Governors Mansion:

RING RING

Governors Mansion.
Put the Governor on the phone.

Who is this?
The President.

What kind of music do you prefer?
Country Western.

Hello. W? How YOU doin?
Listen. I saw Blitzer last night. He says your going to have a great big storm so we’re taking over.

Bull (Bleep). Me and the Mayor are thinking about letting our people know there’s a storm coming just in case they didn’t see it on one of the 500 channels.
I’m the number 1 man, the President of the most powerful country on earth, the big Kahuna and I’m telling you we’re taking over.

Who’s "we"?
My buddies running FEMA and HOMELAND SECURITY.

Do they know what there doing?
I guess so. One guy had something to do with horseys and the other one did alot of stuff with lawyers or something.

I’ll think about it and get back to you "W".

CLICK

What the (Bleep)! Put that (Bleep) on my list.

Governors Mansion:

Get the Mayor on the phone.

RING

Hello.
Mayor?

Yea.
I just got off the land line with "W".

Wow! You know him personally?
He says if you don’t get your (Bleep) out there and tell those people to get the (Bleep) out, he’s going to make you a Zoo keeper.

Well (Bleep) him and (Bleep) you too. Matter of fact, I put the word out already. So there.
You went over me?

Yea. Good thing too. They keep showing the same reporter getting blown around over and over and over.
OK. That move covers my (Bleep) just in case this thing fizzles.

Who do they want to send down here?
Not sure. Seems like they want to round up all the horseys and lawyers. I’m not sure.

OK. Have a nice day.

CLICK

Governors Mansion:

RING RING RING
Presidents Crawford Ranch.
Let me speak to "W".

Who is this?
The Governor.

Hold on.
OH GEORGE!!! It’s for you.
Who is it?
That (Bleep) again.
Praise the Lord. Hello!
Yea. "W". Go ahead. I just told the Mayor to get everybody outa town.
When can we expect your buddies.

Well, not really sure. First I have to find them and then see whether or not they feel like working on a Sunday. Looks like maybe midweek or so BUT you can tell everybody "Help is on the way".
Cool. Just remember. If anybody asks, you, the number 1 man, the President of the most powerful country on earth, the big Kahuna, had to ask ME, the number 1 (Bleep) in this state, for permission.

CLICK BZZZ (MUSIC)
I’m a rhinestone cowboy, do dah dah, do dah dah ......

That SOB (Bleeper).
CLICK
(to be continued)