Beep Beep II:

The continuing saga of "Darth."

You may recall the first mention of "Darth" if you’ve been perusing these Blogs of mine. If you have, I’m flattered, but I have to tell you, "you’ve got WAAYYY too much (Bleeping) time on your hands".

Anyway,.. "Darths" my supposed "super duper", "fully equipped", "totally warranteed", "King of the road " "2005 "Magnum".

Included in the package of this magnificent piece of machinery is a whole set of indestructible "low profile" racing tires (well, .. not exactly a whole set, 4 real ones and one of those spares that you wouldn’t trust on your kids coaster wagon).

They look bbbeeeeuuuutiful on those "mag wheels".

Loookkkinnnn good. Real good. Feels good. Really, really good.

(Bleeping) NNNNOOOOTTT!!!!!!

After a coupela three four cruises over to AC and a few round trips to our local WaWa, "Darth" had soon covered around 8 or 900mi with no incident. A remarkable exhibition of 21st Century engineering in true Daimler tradition.

Unfortunately, somewhere around the 900 mi. mark, "Darth" was wounded. He suffered a massive "flat" attack . I was devastated and took immediate action, pulling off to the side of the road. Just by luck, I remembered there was one of those fancy schmancy tire places about 1/4 mile up the road. Sooo, .. I figured I could nurse "Darth" there with no (Bleeping) problem, ..... super duper indestructible rubber and all.

Arrived at the Universal Tire (fix or buy) place:

Impressive. Waiting room, very clean .... neat chairs, magazines. They even sell fancy wheels here...... polish & cleaning gear, but that stuffs in glass cases or up on shelves behind the counter. Must be pretty expensive.
The manager was behind the counter. I guess he was the manager, ... was wearing a tie. No suit though. He seemed to be busy with a bunch of invoices. I thought maybe somebody clipped one of those high priced cans of polish.

Conversation:
Manager: And what can we do for you sir?

Iceman: Have a flat. Can you plug it for me?

Manager: No problem. Right away. Going to wait for it?

Iceman: Yup. My chauffeurs got the weekend off.

Manager gets on the PA and calls for a "Tire Technician". The young man promptly appeared, took the keys and pulled "Darth" into a bay. About 5 minutes later he came through the door behind the counter and spoke to the manager briefly. Manager was shaking his head, looked over at me and signaled for me to come over. He looked like I just ran over his cat.

Manager: You’ve got a real problem here.

Iceman: What’s the problem?

Manager: Tires ruined.

Iceman: Ruined? How ruined?

Manager: Shot. You rode on it. Cut the sidewall.

Iceman: Buttt. I only drove up the street?

Manager: Ats a shame. Finished. Kaput. What can I tell you? Ya want a new one?

Iceman: How much for a new one.

Manager: I’ll check our data base and give you a price.

He gets right on his computer and comes back to me.

Manager: That’ll be about 200 bucks plus tax.

Iceman: Well, ... I guess I’ll have to do it.

Manager: OK. Let me check our data base again. We have thousands of tires at our warehouse.

Back to the computer for a few minutes then starts making phone calls. Suddenly he motions to me and I go over.

Manager: It’ll take about a week to ten days to get the tire. Ya want me to place the order?

Iceman: Whattt!!!??? What the (Bleep) is that about?

Manager: You can’t get these tires. There too new.

Iceman: Too new? It’s a (Bleeping) tire!

Manager: Can’t get em. Made special for the "Magnums".

Iceman: "Darth" has "special" tires?

Manager: Yep. Brand new. Can’t get em.

Iceman: How about Ebay? Think I could find one there?

Manager: Pleasseee!!! These are special on this car.

Iceman: Maybe you didn’t notice .... It’s a (Bleeping) Dodge. You know .... like Ford, Chevy. Not Ferarri or Maseratti.

Manager: This is a Contitouring Contact tire.

Iceman: A (Bleeping) what?

Manager: Contitouring Contact.

Iceman: Never heard of one.

Manager: That makes two of us.

Iceman: What makes it so special?

Manager: Puncture proof.

Iceman: I’ve got a (Bleeping) flat!!!

Manager: Look. Your car is fairly new. They should warrant the tire.

Iceman: Fairly (Bleeping) new!!?? It’s 2004 now, "Darth" is a 2005. I don’t have a grand on it yet.

Manager: How bout we put the spare on and you can take the car to the dealership?

Iceman: Sounds good to me. Do it. Put the bad tire in the back.

They put it on. Put the (Bleeping) dirty ass flat in the back. Now the (Bleeping) car not only is not cool with that (Bleeping) piece of (Bleep) wanna be tire but it now has developed a (Bleeping) irritating rattle in the back of the car. You know how that works.

Next AM. I show up at my infamous Dodge Chrysler Dealership. The one that prizes itself on customer satisfaction and all the rest of that happy horse(Bleep). First in line again.

Service Specialist: Good morning. What’s your problem?

Iceman: Comon out to the car and I’ll show you.

We go out to the bay and look at "Darth".

Service Specialist: So. What’s the problem?

Iceman: If you look reeaall close, you can see I had to put on the spare.

Service Specialist: Yeah. And?

Iceman: And? And I got a flat on one of these super duper tires.

Service Specialist: And?

Iceman: And. And isn’t this covered under warranty?

Service Specialist: Fraid not.

Iceman: What? The cars brand new. Aren’t these super tires covered?

Service Specialist: Nupe! The whole car is under warranty from bumper to bumper......... eexxcceepptt the tires.

Iceman: (Bleep) Well, what’ll I do now?

Service Specialist: Don’t know what to tell ya.

Iceman: What the (bleep) does that mean?

Service Specialist: You’ll have to talk to the tire company.

Iceman: Where the (Bleep) are they?

Service Specialist: Don’t have a clue.

Iceman: Can you give me a (Bleeping) hint?

Service Specialist: Maybe you should take the car over to our tire store.

Iceman: This dealership has a tire store?

Service Specialist: Yup.

Iceman: And where I might ask, is your store?

Service Specialist: Right across the street.

Iceman: Did you ever notice any severe swelling around your temples?

Off to the tire store ... across the road.......

Tire Service Specialist: (In near perfect English) Good morning. Can I help you.

Iceman: I hope so. Come on out to the car so I can show you.

Tire Service Specialist: What’s the problem?

Iceman: Got a flat on one of these super tires.

Tire Service Specialist: I can see that. Whata ya want me to do?

Iceman: Aren’t these tires under warranty?

Tire Service Specialist: Yea. They should be. It all depends.

Iceman: On what?

Tire Service Specialist: On how the tire was damaged.

Iceman: Damaged? These tires are supposed to be puncture proof.

Tire Service Specialist: That’s true enough, but you rode on the tire and ruined the sidewall. Your lucky you didn’t damage the wheel. Their about 2 grand a pop.

Iceman: That’s right but I rode on it because the tire got punctured.

Tire Service Specialist: So what are you telling me?

Iceman: I’m telling you that you are drinking the same water here as that guy across the street. Apparently your both suffering from some sort of "dementia."

Tire Service Specialist: What’s that?

Iceman: It’s a Psychiatric problem that develops prematurely when you hang around Dodge dealerships too long. Listen, .. can you check out this warranty and put a new one on?

Tire Service Specialist: No problem. Let me check on the computer.

Minutes pass.

Tire Service Specialist: Ok. Heres the deal. We can get you a fresh one. Be here in about 5 ta 10 days.

Iceman: What the (Bleep)!!! You don’t have one of these in stock?

Tire Service Specialist: Nope. Can’t get em. Too new. Nobodys got em. Ya want I should order one?

Iceman: I guess so. I don’t feel real comfotable riding around on that dwarf tire. How much?

Tire Service Specialist: About a buck 80 plus tax.

Iceman: Is it covered under warranty?

Tire Service Specialist: Nope.

Iceman: Why the (Bleep) not!!??

Tire Service Specialist: You rode on a flat.

Iceman: Order the (bleeping) tire.

Tire Service Specialist: Ya want the same kinda tire?

Iceman: No. I want two different kinds of tires on this (Bleeping) thing plus a (bleeping) toy spare that’ll be no (bleeping) good by the time you get the new tire from China or India or where the (Bleep) ever this super secret factory is.

Tire Service Specialist: OK. I’ll give you a buzz as soon as it arrives Mr. Iceman. Que lo pases bien. (have a good day)

Iceman: Adios amigo.