CLIMATE REPORT

THE WHITE HOUSE JUST RELEASED THE REPORT AFTER 4 YEARS OF INTENSE STUDY.

THE WEST COAST WILL EXPERIENCE AN INCREASE IN HEAT RELATED DEATHS.

MOST OF THE GENERAL POPULATION WON'T NOTICE BECAUSE OF THE CUMULATIVE DRUG ABSORBTION AMONG ITS CITIZENS.

WATER SUPPLY WILL CONTINUE TO DIMINISH.

THIS TOO WILL GO UNNOTICED FOR THE MOST PART BECAUSE OF A SUBSTANTIAL INCREASE IN IMPORTED BOTTLED WATER FROM FRANCE AND BROOKLYN.

SEA LEVELS WILL RISE AND COASTAL COMMUNITIES WILL BE EFFECTED.

SURFERS CAN'T WAIT AND WILDWOOD BEACHES NEED TO BE SHORTENED ANYWAY. BEACHGOERS CONSTANTLY COMPLAIN ABOUT BURNING FEET BECAUSE OF THE LONG WALK TO THE SEA.

WILD FIRES WILL BE LARGER AND OCCUR MORE FREQUENTLY ON THE LEFT COAST.

SALES OF BBQ EQUIPMENT WILL FALTER, HOWEVER, PEOPLE WILL APPRECIATE HUGE DISCOUNTS ON ROASTED RABBIT.

SOME PARTS OF THE COUNTRY LIKE LA, CHICAGO, PHILADELPHIA, TRENTON AND CAMDEN WILL CONTINUE TO HAVE INCREASES IN DEATH RATES CAUSED BY MOUNTING LEAD CONTENT OF THE 32, 38 AND 44 CALIBER TYPE IN THE AIR.

SMOKERS WILL DIE AT AN INCREASING RATE BECAUSE THE GROUPS THAT GATHER OUTSIDE PUBLIC BUILDINGS WILL BALLON AND BECOME A BETTER TARGET FOR DRIVEBY ENTHUSIASTS.