TOXIC AIR

THAT'S RIGHT. A NEW STUDY CLAIMS THE AIR IN PLANE CABINS IS TOXIC.

NOT TO WORRY. HERE ARE SOME SUGGESTIONS TO PROTECT YOUR HEALTH.

THE DAY OF YOUR FLIGHT .... IF YOUR STAYING AT A LOCAL HOTEL .... GET OUT OF YOUR INFESTED BED & TAKE A QUICK SHOWER IN THE CHEMICAL & DRUG SATURATED WATER.

DON'T FORGET TO BRUSH YOUR TEETH WITH THAT CHINA TOOTHPASTE .

NEXT ... CHOW DOWN ON SOME E.COLI INFECTED EGGS AND A LARGE GLASS OF MILK THAT CAME FROM A CLONE.

WEAR SOMETHING CASUAL THAT YOU JUST HAD DRY CLEANED IN SOME SORT OF CANCER CAUSING CHEMICAL.

YOUR NOW READY TO STEP OUT INTO THE SMOG & FUME SOAKED TRAFFIC SNARL.

AT THE AIRPORT .... PROCEED IMMEDIATELY TO, AND PASS THROUGH, THE METAL DETECTOR. AFTER BEING THROUGHLY RADIATED & STRIP SEARCHED .... HEAD TO YOUR RIDE.

UPON ENTERING THE CABIN......HOLD YOUR BREATH UNTIL YOU FIND YOUR SEAT.... PROBABLY NEXT TO THAT GROUP WEARING TURBANS. PULL DOWN THE OXYGEN MASK AND BEGIN TAKING SHALLOW BREATHS. IF THE MASK IS MADE IN CHINA ... I'D EXERCISE A LITTLE CAUTION ALSO.

DO NOT REMOVE YOUR MASK UNLESS THE STEWARDESS OR ONE OF YOUR FELLOW PASSENGERS THREATENS YOU. SHOULD THE AIRCRAFT REMAIN ON THE RUNWAY FOR MORE THAN THREE HRS OR MORE ..... YOUR JUST (BLEEPED).

ENJOY YOUR FLIGHT AND PLEASE REMEMBER ..... DON'T SMOKE. IT'S UNHEALTHY.

CLIMATE REPORT

THE WHITE HOUSE JUST RELEASED THE REPORT AFTER 4 YEARS OF INTENSE STUDY.

THE WEST COAST WILL EXPERIENCE AN INCREASE IN HEAT RELATED DEATHS.

MOST OF THE GENERAL POPULATION WON'T NOTICE BECAUSE OF THE CUMULATIVE DRUG ABSORBTION AMONG ITS CITIZENS.

WATER SUPPLY WILL CONTINUE TO DIMINISH.

THIS TOO WILL GO UNNOTICED FOR THE MOST PART BECAUSE OF A SUBSTANTIAL INCREASE IN IMPORTED BOTTLED WATER FROM FRANCE AND BROOKLYN.

SEA LEVELS WILL RISE AND COASTAL COMMUNITIES WILL BE EFFECTED.

SURFERS CAN'T WAIT AND WILDWOOD BEACHES NEED TO BE SHORTENED ANYWAY. BEACHGOERS CONSTANTLY COMPLAIN ABOUT BURNING FEET BECAUSE OF THE LONG WALK TO THE SEA.

WILD FIRES WILL BE LARGER AND OCCUR MORE FREQUENTLY ON THE LEFT COAST.

SALES OF BBQ EQUIPMENT WILL FALTER, HOWEVER, PEOPLE WILL APPRECIATE HUGE DISCOUNTS ON ROASTED RABBIT.

SOME PARTS OF THE COUNTRY LIKE LA, CHICAGO, PHILADELPHIA, TRENTON AND CAMDEN WILL CONTINUE TO HAVE INCREASES IN DEATH RATES CAUSED BY MOUNTING LEAD CONTENT OF THE 32, 38 AND 44 CALIBER TYPE IN THE AIR.

SMOKERS WILL DIE AT AN INCREASING RATE BECAUSE THE GROUPS THAT GATHER OUTSIDE PUBLIC BUILDINGS WILL BALLON AND BECOME A BETTER TARGET FOR DRIVEBY ENTHUSIASTS.

AUTHOR ..... AUTHOR

ASSTRO POO

OH CAPTAIN!!

YES.

OUR JOHNS BROKE.

HOLY (BLEEP)!!!

WHAT ELSE CAN GO WRONG !!???

WELLLLLLLLLLLLLLL ...........

THE CREW HAS A NASTY CASE OF DIARRHEA.

QUICK...... GET ON THE HORN AND SEE IF "JOHNY ON THE SPOT" DELIVERS AND ALSO ORDER ABOUT 10 DOZEN CORKS ASAP.

JURY DUTY

THE GOOD NEWS:

U R STILL RECOGNIZED AS A
U.S. CITIZEN.

THE BAD NEWS:

THIS IS A (BLEEPING) SUMMONS & IF U DON'T SHOW UP, WE'RE GOIN TO LOCK UP YOUR ASS.

REASON TO COMPLY:

THEY'LL LOCK UP YOUR ASS IF YOU DON'T.

REASON U DON'T WANT TO:

LAWYERS: 200 BUCKS AN HOUR
JUDGE: 100 BUCKS AN HOUR
YOU: 5 BUCKS A DAY

ACCUSED: PROBABLY A SLEAZE BALL WHO'S LAWYER DRESSED HIM UP TO LOOK LIKE A PRINCETON STUDENT.

DEFENSE LAWYER: WILL LIE LIKE HELL & WON'T SAY HOW MANY OTHER PEOPLE
THE SLEAZE BALL HURT AND GO ON & ON ABOUT HIS POOR CHILDHOOD.

PROSECUTOR: JUST WANTS ANOTHER CONVICTION UNDER HIS BELT SO HE CAN GET
A JOB WITH A BIG LAW FIRM.

JUDGE: CAN OVERTURN ANY JURY VERDICT. HE ALSO WANTS A SHOW LIKE
JUDGE JUDY AND MAKE THE BIG BUCKS.

CONCLUSION: WHY CAN'T THE ICEMAN JUST MAIL IN HIS GUILTY VERDICT??

CONGRATULATIONS MEN !!!!

WE MADE IT !!!!!!!

UUGGHH OOOHHH !!!!

HUSTON ...... WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

QUEEN LIZ

WARNING !!!!

IN THE LAND OF FIRE, SULPHUR & LAVA SPEWING VOLCANOES ....

HOTELS HAVE DECIDED TO FINE TOURISTS 500 BUCKS IF YOU SMOKE, OR IF THEY SMELL SMOKE IN YOUR ROOM.

IT'S A WINDFALL FOR THEM REALLY. THE ELIMINATION OF THAT RISK FOR FIRE WILL GREATLY REDUCE THE INSURANCE PREMIUMS & I'M SURE THAT SAVING WILL BE PASSED ON TO THEIR GUESTS.

NOW YOU WILL ENJOY ABSOLUTE ODOR FREE AIR INSIDE THE HOTELS, AND THE RISK OF A FIRE IS VIRTUALLY ELIMINATED ...... EXCEPT FOR BEING SURROUNDED BY THOSE (BLEEPING) VOLCANOES.

THE NEXT ITEM ON THE "TO DO" LIST IS INITIATING A FINE FOR FLATULENCE.

UP....UP.....AND AWAY

GAS IS PUSHING 5 BUCKS A GL.(AND WILL PROBABLY GO TO ???)

CONTRARY TO POPULAR OPINION ...... THIS REALLY WON'T HAVE A DRAMATIC EFFECT ON MOST PEOPLE ...... AND HERE'S WHY:

1 - YOUR MORTGAGE HAS DOUBLED ... SO YOU WON'T BE GOING ANYWHERE.

2 - YOUR BOSS HASN'T TOLD U YET BUT YOUR JOB IS BEING OUTSOURCED ..... SO U WON'T BE GOING ANYWHERE.

3 - NO ONE IS HIRING BECAUSE THEY EITHER CUT WAYYY BACK OR BANKRUPTED OVER FUEL COSTS .... SO U WON'T BE GOING ANYWHERE.

4 - YOUR GROCERIES HAVE GONE UP LIKE A ROCKET SHIP ...... SO U WON'T BE MAKING A HELL OF A LOT OF TRIPS THERE EITHER.

5 - TAKE THE WIFE & KIDS OUT TO DINNER??...... DON'T THINK SO.

THE GOOD NEWS IS, U DON'T HAVE TO HAVE THAT ILLEGAL MEXICAN CUT THE GRASS ANYMORE .......... JUST LOOK AT ALL THE BUCKS YOUR GONNA SAVE.

IT MIGHT TURN OUT THAT YOU CAN BE JUST LIKE BIGGGG OIL ..... THE LESS U SELL .... THE MORE YOU MAKE.

SEE .... IT'S NOT SO BAD ..... BUT IF YOUR STILL (BLEEPED) YOU CAN CALL YOUR CONGRESSMAN OR SENATOR ...... IF THEIR NOT WINGING IT DOWN TO ACULPOCO OR SOME OTHER EXOTIC SPOT ON THEIR PRIVATE JET.

VATICAN SAYS OK!!!!

THE CHURCH HAS MADE A STUNNING ANNOUNCEMENT THIS WEEK.

IT WILL NOW ACCEPT THE BELIEF IN ALIENS ...... AS LONG AS THEY ARE WILLING TO BE CONVERTED AND MAKE REASONABLE CONTRIBUTIONS TO THE SUNDAY COLLECTION.

THEY DON'T HAVE TO HAVE ID EITHER ..... ESPECIALLY IF THEY TITHE GENEROUSLY. WE WON'T TELL A SOUL.

GAS PUMP PROBLEM

17,000 PUMPS IN THE U.S. MUST BE REPLACED.

PROBLEM IS .... THEY ONLY GO TO 4 BUCKS A GAL ..... AND 100 BUCKS TOTAL SALE. WE WON'T QUIBBLE OVER THE PENNY CRAP.

BECAUSE OF THE NEW PRICE OF GAS, WHICH CHANGES BY THE HR., WE'RE GONNA SEE A REVOLUTION IN "GAS PUMP" TECHNOLOGY.

THE NEW ONES WILL ALLOW YOU TO WATCH TV, LISTEN TO YOUR FAVORITE RADIO STATION AND, AS AN EXTRA BENEFIT ... GIVE YOU A FULL PROCTOLOGY EXAM.

PROM NIGHT 08

REMEMBER BOYS ..............

LOOK .......................

BUT

DON'T TOUCH .......................

I'M SURE WE CAN COUNT ON U.

NEXT YEAR .... THESE LADIES HAVE PROMISED TO WEAR THEIR SKIMPY OUTFITS.

NEW LAW ...... MAYBE:

AH SAY MAYBE .............

THE CONGRESS IS NOT THAT FAMILIAR WITH LEGITIMACY WHICH MEANS IT MAY BE DIFFICULT TO COME TO A DECISION ANY TIME SOON.

THE CARD COMPANY EXECS

HAVE THREATENED HUGE CUTBACKS IN CONTRIBUTIONS

IF THEY ARE PUT IN AN UNFAIR

POSITION.

IF THAT HAPPENS ....... THE CITIZENS WOULD END UP WITH HONEST POLITICIANS AND THEY WOULD BE TOTALLY CONFUSED.

ANOTHER STUDY:

SORRY LADIES:

IT'S LIP GLOSS THIS TIME!!!

LOOK .... IF YOU REALLY WANT TO AVOID THE BIG C ..........

HERE'S A FEW TIPS:

1 - AVOID THE SUN

2 - DON'T BREATHE THE AIR IF

YOUR ANYWHERE WITHIN 1,000 FT OF A CAR, BUS, TRUCK, PLANE OR TRAIN.

3 - DON'T EAT MEAT, FISH OR VEGETABLES.

4 - DON'T DARE SMOKE ..... AND ABOVE ALL .... KEEP YOUR DISTANCE FROM LIBERALS.