NEW GUN LAWS

THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IS IN THE PROCESS OF DEBATING WHETHER OR NOT THEY SHOULD CONSIDER DEBATING CHANGING THE GUN LAWS.

THE REPERCUSSIONS OF ANY SERIOUS CHANGES IN THE LAW IS ANOTHER MATTER OF DEBATE.

THE PRIMARY STUMBLING BLOCK IN THE NEW LAW WOULD DICTATE THAT ANY INDIVIDUAL WITH MENTAL PROBLEMS WOULD HAVE TO SUBMIT TO A PSYCHIATRIC EXAMINATION AND IMMEDIATELY BE DENIED THE PURCHASE OF A WEAPON.

IF, IN FACT, THE LAW WAS PASSED, HALF THE POPULATION OF CALIFORNIA AND ALL OF PHILADELPHIA AND CAMDEN WOULD OVERWHELM THE SHRINKS ABILITY TO PRACTICE. WASHINGTON WOULD BE A GHOST TOWN IF THESE INDIVIDUALS WERE COMITTED.

THE BENEFITS TO THE NEW LAWS WOULD BE THAT THE ENTIRE COUNTRY WOULD BE MUCH SAFER AND BOTH THE SENATE AND THE CONGRESS WOULD BE REPLACED.

THE DEMS ARE FURIOUS AND MOST OF THE REPUBLICANS HAVE ALREADY SUBMITTED APPLICATIONS TO HALLIBURTON.

NEW EARTH-LIKE PLANET

THE GOOD NEWS IS:

A LARGE WEST COAST SEGMENT HAS BEGUN PACKING ALREADY.

THE BAD NEWS:

THE NEW PLANET WILL NOT ACCEPT LEFT WING DEMS.

( HARRY REID AND NANCY PELOSI WERE PLACED ON A SUICIDE WATCH IMMEDIATELY AFTER THEY BECAME AWARE OF THE DILEMMA. THEY BELIEVE IT'S ANOTHER REPUBLICAN CONSPIRACY. )

EARTH DAY - NYC

IN ORDER TO CELEBRATE OITH DAY, MIKY DA MAYOR IS PROPOSIN ANODER NEW LAW.

WE'RE GONNA CHARGE ALL THESE A-HOLES FER DRIVEN THEIR CARS AND TRUCKS IN DA CITY. THIS'LL CLEAN UP DA AIR AND ALOT OF OTHER STUFF.

ICEMAN: BUT MIKEY, WON'T THAT HURT THESE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO DRIVE AROUND THE CITY?

MIKEY: NAAAAA. ALL US PEOPLE OF ANY AUTHORITY WONT HAVE TO PAY NOTHIN, THE STOCK BROKERS DON'T GIVE A (BLEEP) , MOST OF EM ARE CHAUFFERED ANYWAYS, ... DOCS AND MOUTH PIECES ...... FAGED ABOUD IT. NO PROBLEM.

SO WHAT'S THE POINT? THEY COULD CARE LESS ABOUT ANY FEES AND NOTHIN WILL CHANGE EXCEPT FOR THE AVERAGE JO.

BUCKS! MORE BUCKS!

ARE YOU GOIN TO PAY THE FEE?

YOUR KIDDING RIGHT? CITY LIMOS?? SIDES... I'M A (BLEEPING) BILLIONAIRE, IDIOT!

DOESN'T MOST OF THE BAD AIR COME FROM ALL YOUR DIESEL BUS' & CABS?

WADDA YA TRYIN TA TELL ME? HEY, YA BETTER DOUSE THAT BUTT. I'M GONA DO SOME MORE ON THAT TOO.

SO.... YOU DON'T SMOKE OR DRVE DO YA? GUESS THERE'S NO REAL HARDSHIP FOR YOU HUH?

HEY PAL, .... IF IT WAS.... YA REALLY THINK I'D BE THIS ANXIOUS? GET REAL WHY DONTCHA.

EARTH DAY-2007

PHILLY:

THE CITY HIERARCHY HAS INITIATED A CITYWIDE PLAN TO CLEAN UP THE ENVIRONMENT.

1 - PICK UP ALL SHELL CASINGS AND SPENT ROUNDS.

2 - FILL IN ALL BULLET HOLES IN BUILDINGS, CARS, ETC..

3 - CLEAN AND DISINFECT ALL BLOODSTAINS FROM SIDEWALKS, WALLS AND PERSONAL PROPERTY.

4 - PICK UP ALL DISCARDED SYRINGES, AND USED DRUG PARAPHERNALIA.

5 - ERASE ALL CHALK BODY OUTLINES.

6 - REMOVE ALL CONDEMNED SIGNS, SHUT OFF NOTICES AND WARRANTS.

7 - PICK UP ALL DISCARDED WELFARE CHECK STUBS & COUNTERFEIT FOOD STAMPS.

8 - LAST, BUT NOT LEAST, REMOVE ALL GRAFFITI FROM BUILDINGS, TRUCKS, CARS, BUSES, SUBWAY CARS, MAILBOXES, LIGHT POLES, BILLBOARDS ETC., ETC..

IF ALL CITIZENS PARTICIPATE IN THIS EFFORT, WE ANTICIPATE THE PROJECT TO BE COMPLETED NO LATER THAN EARTH DAY 2020.

" IT IS OFFICIAL "

AS A CATHOLIC MYSELF, I WAS PLEASED TO LEARN THAT THE CHURCH NO LONGER BELIEVES INNOCENT NEWBORN BABIES WILL BE SENT DIRECTLY TO HELL OR LIMBO IF THEY WEREN'T BAPTIZED.

IT MUST HAVE TAKEN A GREAT DEAL OF THOUGHT TO COME TO THAT CONCLUSION. I GUESS IT'S LIKE BEFORE, IF YOU ATE MEAT ON FRIDAY AND GOT KILLED, YOU WENT STRAIGHT TO HELL. NO DOUBT ABOUT IT. NOW, YA GOT YOURSELF A FREE PASS. I WONDER, ... DID ALL THOSE "BEFORE" GUYS GET SOME KIND OF PARDON?

AS ALWAYS, THEY HAVE DONE THE RIGHT THING.

BECAUSE OF THIS DRAMATIC CHANGE, I WANTED TO DISCUSS IT WITH MY CONFESSOR. UNFORTUNATELY, I FORGOT HE WAS ACCUSED OF SOMETHING AND TRANSFERRED. THEY WON'T TELL ME WHERE.

" THE WAR IS LOST "

SAYS OUR BUDDY HARRY

THE MARK OF A REAL

LEADER

CONFAB WITH HARRY:

ICEMAN: SO HAR, WHAT IS IT THAT GIVES YOU SO MUCH CONFIDENCE IN THIS COUNTRY?

HARRY: WELL, DIDJA EVER HEAR THAT EXPRESSION "BETTER RED THEN DEAD"? I THINK I MIGHT HAVE COINED THAT SAYING. I HAVTA GET BIG AL TO GOOGLE THAT FOR ME.

BUT HAR, DONTCHA KNOW THESE PEOPLE WANNA KILL US ANYWAY?

ME AND NANCY THINK IF WE CAN KEEP TELLIN EM WERE SORRY, MAYBE THEY'LL FAGET ABOUD IT, BESIDES THEIR REALLY SCARY. ALWAYS WEARING THOSE SKI MASKS ... IN THE DESERT NO LESS.

THEIR GOING TO END UP COMING HERE!! WHAT THEN??

WE FIGURE WE CAN SPOT EM IN A SEC. THOSE MASKS ARE EASY TO SPOT. WE GOT A LOT OF FANCY GEAR THAT CAN DO THAT. EVER WATCH 24? THAT KINDA STUFF.

ARE YOU NUTS??!!

NANCY DOESN'T THINK SO AND SHE OUGHTA KNOW. SHE'S HAVIN THESE HEART-TO-HEART MEETINS WITH ALL THE NUTCAKES AND SHE SEEMS TO THINK THEIR PRETTY COOL.

Virginia Tech

TRAGEDY

There are no words that can express the sorrow for this loss of life.

How can this happen?

One disturbed individual:

A fourth year resident:

Totally solitary:

A known stalker:

Wrote frightening screen plays:

Professor refers student to counseling:

All classmates aware of serious threatening personality:

Action taken to investigate problem: NONE

I suppose officials did not wish to offend the student.

NJ GOVERNOR

PARKWAY CRASH

INTERVIEW: (on the scene )

ICEMAN: What happened?

TROOPER: I dun no.

Where was he goin?

Late 4 a meetin with the "I" man.

Oh! No wonder they was in a hurry.

Hows the Gov.?

He's just fine. Thrown outa his SUV at 100 or so, broke most a his bones and stuff but he's good.

His seatbelt broke then huh?

Not exactly.

How fast were they goin to see that wacky NY cowboy?

90 or so.

Or so's can get pretty steep can't they? Say, see if I got it straight, no seatbelt, at least 90 + mph, big time KABOOM. My guess is it ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY WAS SOMEBODY ELSE"S FAULT!

That's a given.

Tickets issued?

LOL

" LINGO "

YOU FIGURE IT OUT.

PAULS BANK

IMUS

COMMONLY REFERRED TO AS THE "I" MAN.

AKA THE ME, ME, ME , ME, ME,

ME MAN

X CANDIDATE:

NOT TOO SHARP

FINGER POINTER

SAINT NANCY

YES ..... I'M ON A MISSION TO SPREAD PEACE & LOVE ALL OVER THE PLACE, ESPECIALLY TO THE TOWELHEADS THAT HAVE A NASTY HABIT OF CUTTING OFF PEOPLES HEADS AND BLOWING UP STUFF.

CONVERSATION: SYRIA PRES

SO NANCE, WHAT MADE YOU DECIDE TO COME VISIT US TERRORISTS?

WELL ... FIRST OF ALL ROSIE ODONNEL & I DON'T REALLY BELIEVE YOU'RE TERRORISTS. YOU'RE JUST PISSED BECAUSE WE HAVEN'T APOLOGIZED FOR YOU HAVING TO ATTACK OUR COUNTRY AND FROWN ON ARABS TAKING FLYING LESSONS.

RIGHT ON BABE. AND HOW BOUT THIS MUSLIM THING. YA KNOW WE'RE BOUND AND DETERMINED TO KNOCK OFF ALL YOU INFIDELS.

I BEEN THINKING ABOUT THAT LITTLE TIDBIT. HOWS ABOUT REFINING THAT CAUSE AND MAYBE LIKE CONCENTRATE ON MEXICANS. THERE'S A WHOLE LOT A INFIDELS IN MEXICO & IT WOULD HELP US SOLVE A LITTLE PROBLEM AS WELL.

HONEY, I LIKE THE CUT OF YOUR JIB. WHO SENT YOU HERE ANYWAY?

NOBODY. YA LIKE THIS OUTFIT? COST ME A FORTUNE.

HERE BOY............................

HERE BOY...........................

DOWN BOY !!!!!!!!!!

DOWN .... DOWN !!!!!!!!!!

QUICK !!!!!!!!

CALL THE DOG WHISPERER!!!!!!!!!

IRS 500

SO! SO 5OO IRS LAPTOPS WITH ALL YOUR PERSONAL INFORMATION ARE GONE!!

BIG (BLEEPING) DEAL.

LIKE ALL YOUR (BLEEP) HASN'T BEEN STOLEN ALREADY.

ICEMAN INTERVIEWS HEAD IRS DRONE:

SO WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THESE LOST LAPTOPS? WHAT R U GONNA DO ABOUT IT?

WE'RE NOT GONNA DO JACK (BLEEP). THAT'S NOT OUR (BLEEPING) PROBLEM.

WELL, WHO'S PROBLEM IS IT?

R U (BLEEPING) KIDDING? YOURS! A HOLE. AND IF YOU DON'T HAVE A COPY OF YOUR (BLEEP) WE'RE GOIN TO PENALIZE AND FINE THE (BLEEP) OUTA YOU.

WHO THE (BLEEP) TOLD THESE DRONES THEY COULD TAKE THIS (BLEEP) HOME?

WHAT THE (BLEEPS) THE DIFFERENCE. MOST OF THIS (BLEEP) IS SENT TO INDIA.

BUT Y DO THEY TAKE THESE LAPTOPS HOME? ANSWER THE QUESTION!

WELL .. ALL THEIR AOL GAMES AND DOOM ARE KEPT ON THE SAME MACHINE ... PLUS ALL THEIR EBAY STUFF .... AND CRAIGS LIST, NOT TO MENTION PORNO SITES.

YA KNOW TJ MAXX LOST 40 MILLION CUSTOMER ID INFO LAST WEEK. WHAT THE (BLEEP) YOU PICKIN ON US 4????!!!!

ATTENTION

PET OWNERS

TWO THINGS:

1 - BUYING ALL THAT SUPER DUPER FANCY SHMANCY PET CHOW PAID OFF... NOT LIKE THOSE OTHER A HOLES WHO BOUGHT THAT CHEAP (BLEEP).

OH! IT ALL CAME OUTA DA SAME BUCKET? OH.

2 - WHATEVER U DO ... DON'T FEED FIDO OR MUFFY ANY OF YOUR LEFTOVERS. IT'LL MAKE HIM SICK AS A DOG .... MAYBE NOT DEAD ... BUT VERY ILL. JUST ASK ANY PET FOOD CO. REP.

NOTE: THINK "THE ORIENTAL PHILOSOPHY". THEY DON'T FEED POOCHES ANY FANCY STUFF AND THE POOCH USUALLY ENDS UP AS SNACKS OR IN A BAG OF PURINA.

" THE DILEMMA "

TODAYS NEWS ALERT

AFTER LENGTHY STUDIES, SEVERAL UNIVERSITIES HAVE CONCLUDED THAT NICOTINE ENHANCES CONCENTRATION AND REDUCES THE RISK OF ALZHEIMERS.

A LARGE GROUP OF POTHEADS INVOLVED WITH THE STUDY DISPUTE THE CONCLUSION. THEIR STUDIES FAVOR POT AS A HELPFUL TOOL IN FIGHTING CANCER AND IS NOT ADDICTIVE. IT MAY DESTROY THE CAPABILITY OF THOUGHT AND LEAD TO SEVERE DEPRESSION, BUT YOU WON'T BE AWARE OF IT.

FOLLOWING A HUGE DEBATE BETWEEN THE TWO GROUPS, A COMPROMISE WAS REACHED.

IN THE NEAR FUTURE, THE TOBACCO COMPANIES WILL BEGIN TO BLEND TOBACCO AND POT TOGETHER. THAT WAY, YOU WILL BE WIDE AWAKE WHEN YOU ARE DIAGNOSED WITH CANCER, WHILE AT THE SAME TIME THE POT WILL BE ATTACKING IT AND YOU MAY OR MAY NOT REMEMBER THE DIAGNOSIS IN THE FIRST PLACE.

" NOT "

" TWINS " ??????????

" SUPER SNORT "

KEITH SNORTED DADDYS ASHES MIXED WITH COCAINE.

ITS BEEN REPORTED THAT THE OLD MAN IS TURNING OVER IN HIS JAR.

" CNN "

SHOTS FIRED

ICEMAN INTERVIEWED WOOF (FAMOUS BORASS REPORTER) RIGHT AFTER INCIDENT.

WOOF..... DIJA THINK THEY WAS GUNNEN 4 U ?

AT FIRST I DIDN .........

WOOF .... WOOF ... GET OUT FROM UNDER THAT DESK.

UUGHHH. I DROPPED MY PENCIL.

IS ANYONE ELSE OUT THERE THATS SICK OF YOUR DRONING ON AND ON AND ON?

BACK TO YOU RHONDA.