- WARNING -

VITAMINS - A & B

ADD THIS TO YOUR

"DO NOT EAT LIST"

NO.... NO..... SCRATCH THAT.

THE ICEMAN SUGGEST'S STARTING A NEW LIST ... 4 PILLS.

NOW THAT 68 STUDIES HAVE STUMBLED ONTO FACTS THAT SEEM TO PROVE THESE VITAMINS & SUPPLEMENTS KINDA SORTA KILL YOU INSTEAD OF INCREASING THE CHANCES OF IMMORTALITY, THE HEALTH NUTS ARE BEGINNING TO LINE UP IN DROVES SEEKING THERAPY.

IN AN EFFORT TO HELP ALLEVIATE SOME OF THEIR CONCERNS, THIS WILL BE THE MAIN TOPIC AT THE VERY NEXT " SMOKERS CONVENTION ". UNFORTUNATELY, BECAUSE OF CIRCUMSTANCE, THIS YEAR THE CONVENTION WILL BE HELD OUTDOORS, SO, ANY HEALTH NUTS THAT CARE TO ATTEND, PLEASE REMBER TO DOUBLEDOSE ON VITAMIN C.

I WANNA MY OWN BOMB

WE WORKIN LIKE HELL TO MAKIN THIS THING. DEN WE CAN MAKE THIS WHOLE PLANET LOOKA JUS LIKE OUR PLACE .....

MAYBE A LIL MORE ROCKY ..... BUT ALOT DA SAME.

" CUP A JO "

A BIG COFFE COMPANY IS ALL UPSET THAT IT'S CAFFIENE ADDICTS THINK THE STORES HAVE LOST THAT "HOMEY" APPEAL.

MAYBE IT'S GOT SOMETHIN TA DO WITH ................

13,000 (BLEEPING) STORES &

5 BUCKS A POP JAVA.

NOTE:

IT TAKES REAL GENIUS TO RUN 13,000 STORES ON A (BLEEPING) CUP A JO.

IT'S ALL BASED ON JUST HOW MANY A HOLES ARE OUT AND ABOUT IN THE EARLY AM. ..... AND ARE NOT QUITE FOCUSED. THEY ARE PART OF THAT OTHER EARLY MORNING GROUP OF NICOTINE ZOMBIES SUCKING ON A REFRESHING MARLBORO.

REMEMBER, " HEY BUDDY, CAN YOU SPARE A DIME?"? NOW IT'S 12 BUCKS ( COFFEE & A PACK OF SMOKES).

DOESN'T QUITE RING THE SAME.

DINNER ..... ANYONE ???

I'LL HAVE A BUCKET OF CHICKEN ...........

WHAT'S THAT?? ONLY RAT & MOUSE TODAY !!

OK. CANCEL THAT.

GIVE ME A FUR FREE TACO & HOLD THE E COLI.

- HOW LONG -

SMITH II

SMITH

" ICEMAN "

GETTIN A LITTLE LONG IN THE TOOTH FOR THIS.

SO HOW BOUT THOSE NEW

SRT8s?

MOUNTAIN CLIMBERS

RESCUERS GATHERED TOGETHER TODAY IN ORDER TO DECIDE WHETHER OR NOT TO RISK SAVING 3 MORE MENTALLY DEFICIENT PEOPLE AND 1 POOCH.

THEY CONCLUDED THE PUP REALLY DIDN'T KNOW ANY BETTER.

THE AUTHORITIES PLAN ON TICKETING THE CLIMBER OWNER OF THE POOCH FOR VIOLATING THE LEASH LAWS AND NOT PACKING A POOPER SCOOPER.

NEXT WEEK, OREGON WILL BEGIN CONSTRUCTION ON AN ELEVATOR INSIDE THE MOUNTAIN IN ORDER TO ALLEVIATE CLIMBING TRAFFIC AND CURB THE INSTINCTIVE URGE TO CLIMB BY THOSE THAT HAVE NOT FULLY EVOLVED FROM SASQUATCH.

THE 500

ULTIMATE RACE

THIS YEARS CONTEST ENDED IN A PHOTO FINISH.

TWO DRIVERS MANAGED TO GO ROUND AND ROUND AND ROUND AND ROUND FOR 500 MILES AND STILL NOT BE DIZZY.

ANY SOBER FAN WHO WAS ABLE TO COUNT ALL THE SIGNS AND DECALS ON ANY ONE DRIVER OR CAR WAS GIVEN A BRAND NEW BOX OF FLUORESCENT CRAYOLA CRAYONS. MANY OF THESE PEOPLE DEVELOPED AN ADDICTION TO CIRCLES AND DRAWING CIRCLES AS A SERIOUS HOBBY AFTER THERAPY.

TECH - NEWS

LASER COMB

GOOD NEWS:

LASER SUCKS HAIR FOLLICLES UP THROUGH SCALP.

BAD NEWS:

FOLLICLES PERFORATE SKULL & LARGE HAIRY TUMOR PROTRUDES.

WARNING LABEL:

DO NOT USE CELL PHONE WHILE USING THIS PRODUCT.

DISCONNECT MP3 PLAYER FROM EAR AND / OR SWITCH MUSIC FROM HIP HOP TO GUY LOMBARDO WHILE USING THIS PRODUCT.

REMOVE NOSE RING(S) AND ANY OTHER PIERCE GEAR FROM YOUR (BLEEPING) GLOBE (BEFORE) ACTIVATING LASER.

GAY / LESBIAN:

CHECK WITH YOUR DOCTOR IF YOU SUDDENLY FIND YOURSELF ADOPTING HETEROSEXUAL LIFESTYLE OR DEVELOP A TENDENCY TO VOTE REPUBLICAN.

Bank of America

" Grande Prize "

If you scrambled over that fence or wriggled threw that tunnel you are entitled to our credit card.

We don't even have to know your name and maybe you won't even have to pay us back.

Bank of America

Credit Card

" It's not just for Gringo's any more. "

PENN DOT

"SAFETY IS OUR BUSINESS"

DOT DRONE: SO?? SO THE MAJOR (BLEEPING) HWY DIDN'T HAVE 1 (BLEEPING) SNOW PLOW TO BE SEEN!!

SO?? SO A FEW HUNDRED OF YOU A HOLES STAYED IN YOUR CAR 1 (BLEEPING) DAY IN YOUR CARS. BIG (BLEEPING) DEAL!!!!

DID I EVER TELL YOU HOW COLD IT WAS IN KOREA DURING THE WAR?

YOU SAY.. NO TROOPERS EITHER? WELL, THEY WAS PROBABLY BACK IN THE BARRACKS FINISHING UP THE PAPERWORK ON YESTERDAYS NO SEATBELT TICKETS.

YA DO KNOW THAT THE GOV DID SEND OUT THE NATIONAL GUARD TA HELP THOSE FOLKS DONTCHA? ? YUP!!! ALL 14 HUMMERS.

ICEMAN: BUT THE PEOPLE WERE BACKED UP & STRANDED OVER 50 (BLEEPING) MILES!!!!!!

DOT DRONE: YEH!!!! AND???

SEE, THIS IS WHY WE'RE SELLIN THESE ROADS. BITCH, BITCH, BITCH, THAT'S ALL YOU KNOW HOW TO DO. HOW BOUT THOSE FLYERS LAST NIGHT!!

ICEMAN: I WAS ON I (BLEEPING) 78 ALLLLL NIGHT!!!!

DOT DRONE: NO TV HUH. YA GOT TVO?

YA BETTER PUT THAT BUTT OUT IN YOUR ASH TRAY OR I'LL HAVE TA TICKET YA FOR LITTERING.

UGH OH

IT'S ANOTHER WARNING

IT'S THAT DAM

PETER PAN MAN

WELL!!!!.... JUST ADD IT TO YOUR

DO NOT EAT LIST

WHAT !!!????
YOU RAN OUT OF PAPER???

WHAT THE (BLEEP) YOU GONNA DO NEXT WEEK??

- POLITICS O8 -

LOTTERY FOR SALE

NOW THAT JOISY AND OTHER STATES ARE SELLING THEIR TP'S, HIGHWAY'S, BYWAY'S & BRIDGES,

DEY FIGER DEY MIGHT JUS AS WELL DUMP DA LOTTERY.

DER AIN'T NO NOTHER WAY TO KEEP THE STATE DRONES ON DA PAYROLL EVEN THO DA JOBS WON'T BE THERE NO MORE.

NOBODY WILL NOTICE DA DIFFERENCE ANYWAY AND ALL DA POLITICIANS WILL GET THEIR CUT OF DA SALE & DEN DEY CAN TAX DA (BLEEP) OUTA WHOEVER BUYS THIS STUFF.

THE ONLY PROVISION TO THE SALE IS THAT YOUR NAMES GOTTA END IN A VOWEL.

YOU DA MAN

YA GOT MY VOTE BUB

WITH THE OVERWHELMING SUCCESS OF AIR AMERICA UNDER HIS BELT .... AL LOOKS FORWARD TO CONTINUED SUCCESS IN THE

UNITED STATES SENATE

THE REPUBLICANS HAVE MET THEIR MATCH.

OH BROTHER

JUDGEING FROM THE NUMBER OF BODIES FOUND ON THE STREETS, AND NOW IN BOARD ROOMS, THE CITY SLOGAN IS ABOUT TO CHANGE TO

TOMBSTONE

THAT IS OF COURSE IF CAMDEN DOESN'T BEAT IT TO IT FIRST.

LOOKS LIKE SMOKING ISN'T YOUR BIGGEST PROBLEM ANYMORE. SECOND HAND BULLETS ARE A BITCH.

REV. TEDDY HAGGARD

TOOK THE CURE

NOW 100% HETERO

WELL .... MAYBE 33% ANYWAY......

.......................

NO MATTER WHAT THE BOYFRIEND MIKEY SAYS.

SNICKERS

SNICKERS COMMERCIAL REMOVED FROM

SUPER BOWL XLI

ICEMAN: Mr. Snicker, why did the homosexuals want you pulled?

SNICKER: Don't really know. Think it's more psychological than anything else.

Must have somethin ta do with where they been and where they end up after the game. Ya know, eyeballin all those boys in tight pants an all.

BIG AL

OBESITY CURE

- COMING SOON -

SEVERAL PHARMACEUTICAL FIRMS IN BRITAIN & EUROPE ARE DEVELOPING A CURE FOR OBESITY VIA ............

" GRASS ".

SO FOR ALL YOU FAT SOB's, PUT DOWN THOSE TWINKIES AND LOSE THOSE LATE NIGHT MICKEY Ds RUNS. THERE ARE DEFINITELY GOOD TIMES ON THE HORIZON. EVEN IF THIS DOESN'T WORK .... YOU REALLY WON'T GIVE A (BLEEP).

NOW THAT HEALTH FANATICS ARE BEGINING TO REALIZE THE BENEFICIAL EFFECTS OF BOOZE AND A GOOD JOINT ...... WE LOOK FORWARD TO ONCE AGAIN SUCKING ON A CLASSIC LUCKY STRIKE FOR SOME YET TO BE DISCOVERED MIRACLE OF MEDICINE. THEORISTS' HAVE ALREADY PUT FORTH THE NOTION THAT CIGARETTS, IN A CONTROLED ENVIRONMENT, OUTDOORS, HAVE BEEN USED TO WEEN ADDICTS OFF OF MARIJUANA ADDICTIONS.

WATER = H2O

IT'S NOT YOUR FATHERS WATER ANYMO...... UGGHHH!!!!

OOOPPPSS..... IT ISSS??

YUP. AFTER INTENSIVE STUDY, UNIVERSITIES HAVE STUMBLED UPON ABSOLUTE PROOF THAT BOTTLED WATER IS INDEED WATER.

THE ONLY SIGNIFICANT CONTAMINANT MAY BE PLASTIC RESIDUE. THE ONLY KNOWN CURE FOR PLASTIC INGESTION IS MIXING HUGE AMOUNTS OF CANADIAN CLUB OR BEEFEATERS GIN WITH THE NEXT GULP OF H2O.

GLOBAL WARMING

THE RESULTS ARE IN AND IT'S NOT GOOD. HUMANS HAVE CAUSED THIS PROBLEM AND WE MUST BEGIN IMMEDIATELY TO CORRECT IT.

WE KNOW NOW THAT ALL THESE (BLEEPING) CARS, TRAINS, PLANES, FACTORIES, COMPUTERS, AIR CONDITIONERS, HEATERS AND THE LIKE CREATED THIS CATASTROPHE.

WE MUST BEGIN TO DISMANTLE ALL THIS JUNK AND GET BACK TO NATURE ....... MORE IRAQ LIKE LIFESTYLE.

IF WE DO NOT ACT ON THIS SOON, THIS PLACE WILL GET HOTTER THAN HELL AND KILL OFF ALL HUMAN LIFE, WITH THE EXCEPTION OF LAWYERS.

JO-JO

" SMOKABLE DRUGS "

FINALLY, THE SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY HAS DEVELOPED THE NATURAL WAY TO TAKE YOUR DRUGS.

THE BAD NEWS IS THAT YOU CAN NO LONGER TAKE YOUR ASPRIN IN THE OFFICE. YOU'LL HAVE TO LEAVE THE BUILDING AND VENTURE OUT INTO THAT NO-MANS LAND OF "SMOKERS" IN ORDER NOT TO CONTAMINATE A FELLOW WORKER WITH 2ND HAND BAYER.

THE GOOD NEWS IS, YOU'LL FEEL RIGHT AT HOME WITH YOUR KIDS.

WORD N WORD

ABOLISHTHENWORD.COM

THE "N" WORD SHOULD BE ELIMINATED FROM THE LANGUAGE.

ALSO:

"B" WORD: BEANER

"C" WORD: CRACKER

"D" WORD: DAGO

"F" WORD: FROG "G" WORD: GOY "H" WORD: HONKY "J" WORD: JAP

"K" WORD: KIKE "L" WORD: LIMEY "M" WORD: MICK "N" WORD: NIP

"P" WORD: POLACK "R" WORD: RUSSKI "S" WORD: SLOPE

"W" WORD: WETBACK

ALL AFRO-AMERICAN RAPPERS AND COMEDIANS WILL IMMEDIATELY STOP USING THE "WORD" EVEN THOUGH IT MIGHT BANKRUPT THEIR FIELD OF ENTERTAINMENT. THERE IS SOME ONGOING NEGOTIATION THAT WOULD ALLOW THEM TO USE JUST THE "N" AND WOULD BE ABLE TO CONTINUE USING THE TERMS MOTHER(BLEEPER), (BLEEP)SUCKER, (BLEEPING) CRACKER AND ALSO GIVE THEM THE FREEDOM TO CONTINUE TO REFER TO THEIR WOMEN AS BITCHES & WHOO'S.