Slippery SOBs:

"The new math: ( LESS & LESS = MUCH, MUUCCHH MORE )"

Q & A:

Government agents are on the lookout for Service Stations that are cheating the public. Their eyeballing thousands of locations for signs of this activity. Some have been caught adding 50 cents to more than a buck a gallon in recent weeks. The Iceman caught up to one of the top government drones in charge of this investigation.

Iceman pulls up to the pump at Joe’s Gas Station and begins the task of filling the tank himself and anticipates cleaning the windows himself, checking the tires himself and of course, checking the oil himself. Some guy walks up. Government ID badge. Must be an agent.

DRONE: You know your payin 50 cents a gallon more than your supposed ta?

Iceman: Yup. Do you know there’s hundreds of cars out of gas on this highway, no other giant oil company owned station is open and this guys been here all through these hurricanes?

DRONE: This guys gouging the public and we’re going to lock his ass up. He’s made hundreds more than he should and it’s going to stop.

Iceman: Really? That’s great. Are you going to tell everybody else in this 5 mi backup? I’m sure they’ll appreciate the good news.

DRONE: Well, as soon as I top off my huge government issue SUV, I’m going to arrest this SOB for gouging our civilians. We’re not out here covering thousands of these places for nothing.

Iceman: Thousands? Why don’t you just go to about 6 or seven "giant oil companies" and charge them?

DRONE: How so?

Iceman: $100,000,000,000.00 worth of how so. That’s how so.

DRONE: Yea ..... but that’s just business, plain and simple.

Iceman: Do you suffer from occasional dizziness or double vision? Oh, I get it. You must be contemplating a career in politics.

NEWS FLASH :

"CNN REPORTS NEW LAW IN PLACE"

"The LAW"

The new law dictates that no convicted child molester or sexual predator will be allowed to dispense candy on Halloween. Neither are any of these people permitted to escort children while "trick or treating".

(note)

As a result, most large cities will be closed on Halloween. The only exception, San Francisco. New Orleans expects overflow (ADULT ONLY) crowds that evening.

Happy Hallows Eve:

My Buddy AL :

"Independently Choosing Personal Choices"

The "Brochure Barrage":

The Iceman gets truckloads of bills, brochures, magazines and assorted junk mail just like everybody else. Most of the bills require a Ph.D. to decipher any more. Brochures usually come from companies that you have some sort of business dealings and they probably figured out another way to con you without you realizing it. All kinds of magazines and junk mail comes as soon as these people get your name off one of those companies that swear on their children "Your information is private and confidential, never sold or shared with any living organism. even if we’re tortured by the KGB".

I asked my buddy Al to come over and give me a hand to sort out some of this stuff. He’s pretty smart. Was real good with numbers but didn’t wear socks.

Al: Do you know we’re right in the middle of a Cat 5 Hurricane? My sneakers are soaked, my pipe went out and my feet are cold. My papers are damp and half the theoretical equations I’ve been working on for eleven years are all smudged. So what’s the life threatening problem?

Iceman: It’s these dam electric bills Al. And the phone Bills!!! The health insurance crap also. Here. Take a look at them and explain it to me will you please?

Al scans the bills and stuff in about two minutes. He pushes the papers over to me, leans back in his chair.

Al: I need a glass of milk and a joint.

Iceman: What’s the story?

Al: Here’s the skinny. The Gas company, the Electric company, the Phone company and all the other companies are smarter than you and are giving you a good screwing on these charges. The credit card company and especially the insurance companies are really (Bleeping) you with all the double talking gobly gook legalese bull (Bleep).

Iceman: So what’s the answer? What do I do?

Al: How the (Bleep) do I know? I got the same (Bleep) and can’t figure it out either. Look at my papers! What was that? E =M what? Can you make this out?

Iceman: Here’s your milk. Need a light?

Come ooonnnn down!!!!!!!!

"PRIVATE INVESTORS ONLY"

Great Opportunity:

WATERFRONT PROPERTY

40 yrs. Young:
Rancher: Ideal retirement investment
Property & Established Business
11 Boat Slips (PHOTO)
Price: Negotiable

Merile & The Iceman :

"The ICEMANS FINANCIAL CONSULTANT"

The "NestEGG":

Between the avalanche of junk mail and constant repetition of TV ads touting investment opportunities and how you can get rich by handing over your "NestEGG" to one of these top notch financial wizards, the Iceman became convinced that he was not intelligent enough to continue watching over his "NestEGG" all alone. He was in desperate need of a gennuuuiine professional.

Enter an honest to God "Financial Consultant", an FC, OR, later on, refereed to as a MF.

(Ring)

FC OFFICE: Hello. Merile’s Offices. Merile speaking. What can I do for you?

Iceman: Hello Merile. It’s the Iceman. Saw your ads and figured I’d take you up on your offer to make me rich. Hook me up.

FC OFFICE: Wait a minute, not so fast. We only handle entire NestEggs. You have that?

Iceman: Yup. The whole works, the big Enchilada.

FC OFFICE: Great. Do you know anything about investing at all, even a teeny weeny bit?

Iceman: Not really.

FC OFFICE: Super. Your the perfect client. Now I can turn you over to one of our Gurus. Your sure you don’t know anything about this stuff?

Iceman: Yup.

(put on hold) (music)

FC: Hello. Somebody said you wanted to invest your "NestEGG".

Iceman: Yup. I wanna invest and I’m really anxious to get started.

FC: OK. OK. So, what do you wanna do? I mean, what do you want ME the FC to do?

Iceman: WHAAAT? I dunnnooo. Your supposed to tell me aren’t ya?

FC: Look. Just send over your NestEGG and maybe I’ll call you later.

(click) (music & song to "If I were a rich man ...... "

(5 months later)

(Ring)

FC: Hello. Your FC Guru here.

Iceman: Hey!! I’m lookin at these papers you mailed me and I’m like 30% down on my NestEGG. What the(Bleeps) goin on?

FC: Did you read the fine print?

Iceman: Fine print!!??? What happened to my freaking NestEGG?

FC: Listen. We don’t use that language here. We’re gonna send back your stinkin NestEGG, .... minus the service charges. If your not happy, sue me. Just remember we’ve got umpty billion bucks and a whole bunch of mouthpieces on the payroll (Bleep)hole.

(Click) (music ... Sinatra ... "My Way")

Iceman: Ugh Oh. MF

" HURRICANE ALERT "

FEMA HEADQUARTERS:

DIRECTOR: OK boys. We’re ready for this one and I’m proud to say we’re all set. Good thing too.

Iceman: Whata you mean "Good thing too"?

DIRECTOR: Well, you know where WILMAS’ headed. Marco, Naples, Ft. Myers. That whole area.

Iceman: So?

DIRECTOR: SOOO!!!??? Not only do a lot of us have little vacation haciendas down there but so do a lot of the "Brass" and big mahoffs.

Iceman: What are you doing for the "Evacuees" and the gods and goddesses’ that refuse to leave their mansions?

DIRECTOR: First of all, they are not referred to as Refugees or Evacuees. This group is known as "Wilmas Displaced World Travelers". We have taken steps to insure their safety well in advance of this storm.

Iceman: That’s good news. Nothing like learning from experience. New Orleans was a disaster.

DIRECTOR: Not this time. We have 31,000 limousines standing by and several hundred convoys loaded with Roast Duck, Lobster, Shrimp, some Caviar and a huge selection of imported Wines.

Iceman: Limos? Whats up with that?

DIRECTOR: They don’t drive and most of their Chauffeurs are vacationing in Tahiti this time of year.

Iceman: What’s the deal with the food and stuff. No MRE’s?

DIRECTOR: Your kiddin right? Maybe some for the worker bees, if theres room on one of the trucks.

Iceman: What about the maids, butlers, landscapers and all the Walmart workers? What about them?

DIRECTOR: (Bleep) em. Half of em swam across the Rio Grande to get here anyway. Maybe we can dig up some preservers.

Iceman: Gotta go. I guess I’ll see you at your promotion party.

"ICEMAN’S " HURRICANE FORECAST:

" 2006 "

Baring any unforeseen catastrophes e.g.. Sunami’s, Earthquakes, Tornadoes, Floods, Mega Volcanic Eruptions, Meteor Strikes and the like, 2006 looks to be a more or less normal Hurricane Season.

Dr. Doggy meets Dr. Iceman:

"AT THE VETS" - Part II

OK. I caved. So in order to get Dr. Doggy to check out my dog, I have to fill out the (Bleeping) "Dr. Doggy Form". It looks familiar. Almost a duplicate to the one I "had" to fill out at Radio Shack when I last bought batteries.

Aside from not actually putting down my real name address etc., this is interesting info I presented.

Education: Frank the Iceman Ph.D.
Occupation: Nuclear Physicist
Employment: Johnsville Experimental Research & Development Laboratory
Job Description: Classified

No sooner do I finish, Dr. Doggie’s assistant snatches the form, glances at it, and takes off to the treatment rooms. Meanwhile, the waiting room is full, and I haven’t yet taken a number. Five seconds later, out comes Dr. Doggy looking real anxious.

Dr. Doggy: Dr. Iceman?

Iceman: Yes Dr. Doggy.

Dr. Doggy: Come right in.

Iceman: But, I didn’t take a ticket.

Dr. Doggy: Your a Dr., I’m a Dr.. Professional courtesy, besides, if their dumb enough to wait, it’s their problem.

Iceman: Good enough. So what’s wrong with my puppy you think?

Dr. Doggy: What kinda work do you do at Johnsville?

Iceman: Can’t talk about it. Classified. Top secret. Hush hush. You know. You really don’t wanna know anyway. It’s pretty scary. So whata you think about my dog. Look! He’s sick right now.

Dr. Doggy: I see that. Johnsville’s not far from here is it?

Iceman: You think I might have accidentally brought something home from work and he got radiated? The Giger counter I have at home keeps going off. I thought it was just bad batteries from Radio Shack.

Dr. Doggy: Radiated!!??? Is that even possible? Are we in any danger from Johnsville?

Iceman: I can’t say for sure. Look. It is an Experimental Research project. What can I tell you. How bout I bring Patches back in a week or so. We’ll see if he loses any more teeth or hair.

Dr. Doggy: Oh my God. My house is in the area too.

Iceman: Should I make an appointment?

Dr. Doggy: Ahhh, ... no doctor. Just ca call me first. I don’t feel well all of a sudden.
(2 B continued)

"ATTENTION SHOPPERS"

" SECOND HAND SMOKE "

The # 1 THREAT

......... well, ........ it used 2 b.

Buck & Patches:

"AT THE VETS" - Part I

"Vet" as in "Veterinarian". You been there lately? It’s a trip.

(Arrive at the Veterinarians) Place is packed with people cuddling everything from frogs to something that looks a cross between a Platypus and a large rodent. People really do look like their pets.

The Iceman goes up to the counter and faces what appears to be a Whoopi Goldberg look-a-like in a Nursing outfit.

Nurse: Yes sir. What can we do for you?

Iceman: Well, my dogs sick and I ........

Nurse: Do you have an appointment sir?

Iceman: No, I ..........

Nurse: No? Please fill out this form!

Iceman: No, no. He’s the patient, not me.

Nurse: No time for jokes sir. Fill out the form please!

Iceman: I’m sorry. He can’t write yet. At least he hasn’t told me.

Nurse: Please! Our policy requires this form to be filled out. We can't provide our service until you fill out the form. This office requires all new clients to fill out the form, no exceptions, period.

Iceman: (Glances at form) Name, address, yada, yada .... SS #?, profession?, annual income?, AMX #?, grandmothers maiden name.

Excuse me! I’m not filling this thing out! Here’s a hundred dollar bill .... fix the doggy.

Nurse: DOCTOR!!!! Oh DOCTOR!!!! We have a problem in waiting room 1. A potential client refuses to fill out the form.

Vet: (Comes running out to Whoopi's station) And here he is, "Supergeek".

OK. I'm the doctor. Your just a person. Please fill out the form.

Nurse: SEE!! The doctor said!

Iceman: Did I mention by any chance, that this 120 LB Great Dane is a trained ATTACK animal? Ugh oh,....Could you hand me a tissue to wipe some of the froth off his mouth? That might stop him from growling.
(2 B continued)

Priority # 1:

"FEMA" & "THE ICEMAN"

New Orleans: The Mayor places a frantic call to FEMA for help:

Mayor: Hey!!! We need ICE right now!

FEMA: Oh really? Like nobody else does.

Mayor: Listen Buster, we gotta have it before anybody else.

FEMA: OK. Just kidding. Are the poor folks there more in need of ICE than these other 300,000 other people?

Mayor: Well, .... kinda. We mostly need it for all the bars and the Casinos that wanta open up and we’re trying to get this Mardi Gras thing happenin, even if we have to hand out free wading boots.

FEMA: Good point. All right Mayor, I’ll put you on the priority list. (Bleep) those other people. Just don’t forget .... you owe me. I’ll get right on it.

Mayor: You da man!!!!

(click)

(FEMA internal discussion)

Director: Listen up people! We just got off the land line with a top official.
We gotta get ICE "PRONTO"! Where do we get this (Bleep) from?

Underling: Wisconsin! That’s where we got it last time.

Director: Sounds good to me. A little bit of a ride but what the (Bleep), order it.

Underling: Where should we send it?

Director: Michigan! Everything goes to Michigan first, then, maybe Florida, then someplace else. Ya hafta make this as complicated as possible in order to justify the job titles we have. By the way, make sure the Iceman knows who I am and let him know, he owes me.

Underling: Well, where should we finally send this stuff?

Director: I don’t give a (Bleep). Send it to Norleans.

Charity begins at:

"THE CASINO"

We’re now in the process of saving and rebuilding at least two Southern States. This is a good thing. The problem is that it seems that half the people in these states have no insurance and the other half are being screwed by their trusted insurance companies. It is now up to the government to replace everybody’s stuff, no different then they would replace YOUR stuff.

The focus seems to be on New Orleans. Louisiana has requested 280 BILLION dollars to fix their stuff. Washington thinks they can fix it for 200 BILLION. Those cheap (Bleepers). Now the poor folks in that state, especially in Norleans, have to dig up about a 100 BILLION so I guess it’s up to charitable donations, beans that government money has nothing to do with us.

Enter: All organizations known to man:

Let the PHONE CALLS BEGIN:

RING

Hello.

Mr. Iceman, ALL CHARITIES INC. here. We need money to rebuild Norleans.

I gave money to Red Cross, Catholic Charities, and three or four others.

That’s not us. We need money for Norleans.

Aren’t you gettin 200 BILLION from Uncle Sam?

Not enough. WE need more.

What are you going to do with it?

Rebuild our Casinos’. That’s our main source of income.

Casinos’!!?? Where are you going to get your customers?

We figure the amount of dollars our poor folks are going to get from the lawsuits that have been filed and a good piece of change the Feds are about to drop here, it’ll keep us goin for about thirty year.

So why should I give you money?

Well for one thing, the mayor said it looks like we’re gonna be forced to pay for all the Caddys our cops stole and the banks down here are demanding we replace their money, not to mention these pain in the ass store owners that are upset over a few TV sets. Jewelers!! Forget it. Cheap cracker SOBs.

Why did Louisiana file for bankruptcy a week before the storm?

Oh! Well. We think the folks cashed too many of their checks at the Casinos and lost all their money.

What happened to the Casinos winnings?

Listen A HOLE. Don’t give me that 3rd degree bull (Bleep). Give us a few bucks or we’re gonna run every Republican Cracker and Orio outa town including that idiot Governor..

Click: