It’s Sunday, .... the Lords Day, ..... didn’t it used to be Saturday???
Q & A:
During the last Presidential election and all the religious questions that swirled around the candidates, I received an email from a close friend (a die hard Democrat). She kinda sorta was a little upset with Ws tendency to praise the Lord, thank the Lord, obey the Lord , and do Lord stuff. So, beeins I try mostly to cooperate with the Lord myself, she sent me this questionnaire. And my answer is ...... as I understood it.

Comment: (Friend)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

(Iceman) Theoretical answers:

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations.

Q: A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

A: Your friend is correct, but the latter only applies to French Canadians.

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7.

Q: In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

A: There is no established price, but the rule of thumb is based on the value of Microsoft at the closing bell each Friday and whether or not she is a heterosexual Republican.

3. I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness (Lev. 15:19).

Q: The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

A: You can usually tell by estimating the percentage of bitchiness the lady expresses when asked a simple question like "Who'd ya vote for?"

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9).

Q: The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

A: Absolutely not. You should explain to them that this is a contractual Merrill Lynch requirement and should not be viewed as a religious exercise.

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death.

Q: Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

A: Obviously, the police should kill the neighbor. First, because they bitched about the burning bull incident, Second, the police are less apt to be condemned for killing innocent people and Third, if you do it yourself, it would be considered work and some other neighbor might kill you, if you also do it on the Sabbath.

6. A Jewish friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality.

Q: I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

A: It is a lessor offense if you partake of shellfish on the Sabbath in San Francisco. There are great variations of degrees when you bomb a nation. During WWII, some reached the 3,000 level. Immediately following some of those incidents, many people were given the third degree ...... some by a 32nd degree Mason.

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight.

Q: I have to admit that I wear bifocal glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

A: Yes indeed, there is in fact "wiggle-room." The current proviso is, if in fact you were examined by, and purchased from, Goldmans Optometrist on South Street, on any day but the Sabbath, after we entered the new millennium, but before the Republican convention 2004, you may obtain a dispensation.

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27.

Q: How should they die?

A: This Biblical law was passed during the time of a World-Wide Barber strike and is ignored today, just like "only eat fish Friday ... or else!!". At that time however, Union lobbyists successfully managed to influence a majority of the politicians to pass the law.The law went ignored after the strike was settled but came to the forefront when the Beatles first arrived in the U.S.. Ed Sullivan expressed his opposition to the antiquated law on national TV even though Falwell and Robertson threatened to have him shunned or excommunicated..

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean.

Q: Can I still play football if I wear gloves?

A: This law is still in effect but has been greatly exaggerated. The precise explanation, as it applies to your situation: you do not have to wear gloves. You are just not permitted to throw an entire pig from person to person, although some Mennonites disagree.

10. I know of a man who has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot.

Q: Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them (Lev. 24:10-16)? Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws (Lev. 20:14)?

A: First of all, this man's crops were cannabis sativa and tobacco. Secondly, living in sunny California, his wife took to wearing string bikinis and see through "plastic" tops which were completely disassociated from either crop. The man curses and blasphemes a lot because tobacco is becoming more expensive than a joint.

The whole town did get together to discuss the situation, and ended up stoned. You missed it. As far as this "private affair" business goes; Clinton has publicly stated that any affair should remain "private", but you should avoid implementing the uses of tobacco products in any fashion other than actually smoking.

In closing, Jimmy Carter exempted Georgia Democrats from prosecution because of their tendency to sleep with in-laws.The argument was based on "sleeping with your sister" is commonplace in this state and not subject to the law, so why should a citizen be persecuted because of an in-law relationship? It's all family oriented.


Comment: (Iceman)

Remember one thing, God did not "write" the Bible. He "inspired" somebody else, who told somebody else, who told somebody else, who finally begat somebody else who happened to be undergoing Psychonalysis.While exploring the depths of long forgotten subconscious childhood memories, he suddenly recalled the stories past down to him.
The rest is history.