ICEMAN DEFINITIONS - #3

1 - BAIL-OUT

POLITICAL TERM USED AFTER TAXPAYERS HAVE BEEN SUCKED-IN.

2 - TRANSPARENCY

THE ART OF PRODUCING NUMBERS THAT NO ONE CAN SEE, OR UNDERSTAND.

3 - TAX PACKAGE

THE BUNDELING OF A MULTITUDE OF TRANSPARENT UNNECESSCARY MONETARY GIVEAWAY PROGRAMS.

4 - TOO BIG TO FAIL

A TERM WHICH HAS RECENTLY BEEN CHANGED TO BIG FAILURE. PRIMARILY USED BY CEOs AND CFOs.

5 - CEO

ABREVIATION OF - CAN EQUAL ZERO.

6 - CFO

ABBREVIATION OF - COULD FREQUENTLY EQUAL ZERO.

7 - ASSET MANAGEMENT

YOUR FINANCIAL ADVISER COAXES YOU INTO INVESTMENTS THAT WILL EARN HIM A BEAMER, BUT MIGHT BANKRUPT YOU.

8 - ASSET ALLOCATION

THE ADVISER HAS MANAGED TO LOCATE THE WORST INVESTMENTS AND IS NOW CONVINCED THAT YOUR ARE AN ASS FOR TAKING HIS ADVICE.

9 - DISCRETIONARY INCOME

SOMETHING YOU USED TO HAVE.

10 - DEPRESSION

A TERM USED WHEN YOU ARE DEPRESSED BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO MORE DISCRETION OR INCOME.

BOW WOW DOW

BOO HOO WAMU

WASHINGTON MUTUAL BANK

YUP !!! BROKE !!!!!!!

THE LARGEST S&L IN THE U.S...

HADA JOIN THE CROUD AH GUESS.

SO THE ICEMAN STOPPED BY ON THE WAY TO DA UNEMPLOYMENT AND ASKED:

ICEMAN: WASSUP BOYS ????

WAMU: BROKE

ICEMAN: HOW'S THAT??

WAMU: DUNNO

ICEMAN: WHATCHA GONNA DO NOW??

WAMU: WELL ..... FIRST WE GONNA GIVE THE CEO $17,000,000.00.

ICEMAN: WHAT DA (BLEEP) FOR???!!!!

WAMU: CAUSE HE WAS HERE 10 DAYS ..... THAT'S ALMOST A WEEK AND A HALF.

ICEMAN: AIN'T THAT A LITTLE STEEP???!!!!

WAMU: HE DID WORK OVERTIME.

ICEMAN: OH .... WHY DIDN'T YA SAY THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE. GOT ANY JOB APPS I CAN FILL OUT?

SHUDDUUUPPP!!!!

ICEMAN DEFINITIONS: #2

1 - PORTFOLIO

AN IMAGINARY FOLDER THAT IS NOW KNOWN AS A SCRAPBOOK.

2 - DOW JONES INDEX

NOW REFERRED TO AS DAVY JONES INDEX

3 - DIVERSIFY

SOMETHING YOUR ADVISER SUGGESTED 3 MONTHS BEFOR HE COMMITTED SUICIDE

4 - DISPOSABLE INCOME

THIS TERM HAS BEEN REMOVED FROM WEBSTERS AND CONSIDERED TO BE EXTINCT

5 - GROW BUSINESS

A CORPORATE TERM ADOPTED BY MANY FIRMS ONCE MASTERING THE ART OF DECEPTION AND AVOIDING PRISON.

6 - FLUMMOXED

A STATE OF MIND GENERALLY ASSOCIATED WITH SENATORS & CONGRESSMAN

7 - OVERSIGHT

SOMETHING THAT IS PERFOMED IN DC AFTER IT'S ALL OVER

8 - EARMARK

A SOPHISTICATED FORM OF GRAND THEFT

9 - MULTITASKING

A WAY OF PERFORMING SEVERAL JOBS HALF RIGHT AT ONE TIME

10 - TEXTING

ONCE KNOWN AS A LETTER.

NEW T SHIRT

DONTCHA JUST LOVE IT WHEN THE TV TALKING HEADS TELL YA HOW (BLEEPED)UP ALL THESE CEO MULTIMILLION DOLLAR BONUS' ARE??

WELL .... THEY'RE RIGHT. THEY JUST DON'T SEEM TO MENTION THEIR OWN MULTIMILLION DOLLAR SALARIES AS A SLIGHT PROBLEM.

LET'S SEE ..... THE PRES OF THE UNITED STATES .... THE MOST POWERFUL MAN ON THE PLANET .....

$400,000.00 A YEAR.

HHHMMMMMMMMMMMM

APPARENTLY ..... THE COMMON DENOMINATOR FOR THESE INDIVIDUALS IS ..... NONE OF THEM KNOW WHAT THE HELL THEIR DOING EXCEPT FOR 1 LITTLE THING ..............................

YOU CAN BET YOUR ASS NONE OF THESE PEOPLE WILL LOSE IN THIS

MELTDOWN

....... THE ICEMAN EITHER .......... ICE DOES HAVE THAT TENDENCY AND IT HAPPENS FROM TIME TO TIME.

29

YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR

BUT

LOSING YOUR HOUSE

LOSING YOUR CAR

LOSING YOUR JOB

OTHER THAN THAT ..........

NO PROBLEM

I MEAN ........... WHO COULDAVE SEEN THIS COMIN???

2,OOO A MONTH MORTGAGE

500.00 A MONTH PROPERTY TAX

400.00 A MONTH CAR PAYMENT

500.00 A MONTH CREDIT CARD BILL

1,500 A MONTH HEALTH INSURANCE

4.OO A GAL GAS

7.00 A PACK A SMOKES

10.00 A MOVIE TICKET ........ ETC ETC ETC ETC

I MEAN ...... WHO'D A THOUGHT ???????????????????

I DUNNO ..... AH GUESS THE ICEMAN ALWAYS WAS .... A PESSIMIST.

GREED

SEEMS 2 B THE REASON FOR OUR CURRENT PROBLEMS .....................

COURSE THERE'S ALWAYS THAT MINOR ALLEGATION OF INCOMPETENCE ........................

AFTER ALL ....... WHO ARE WE TO DOUBT THE WISDOM AND DECISION MAKING PROWESS OF THOSE IN WASHINGTON OR WALL STREET.

WELL FOLKS ...... THE ICEMAN REALLY REALLY HOPES & PRAYS THAT THESE ARE

NOT

THE BEST AND BRIGHTEST IVY LEAGUE INSTITUTIONS CAN PRODUCE.

MAKES YA WONDER .... DON'T IT???

BIG AL

SOLUTIONS

ICEMAN ASKED EACH PERSON JUST HOW THEY INTEND TO RESOLVE THIS SITUATION:

ICEMAN: WELL JOHN .... WADDA YA THINK? WHAT WOULD U DO?

JOHN: WELL MY FRIENDS .... I'D DEFINITELY KNOCK GREENSPAN IN THE (BLEEPIN) GOURD, NEXT I'D ........

ICEMAN: MR. OBAMA?

BARRY: TAKE NOTICE?? ... NO BROTHERS ARE MENTIONED IN THIS MESS. THINK I'D KINDA LET IT UP TO THE HARVARD BOYS .... EVEN THOUGH THEY MIGHT HAVE BEEN A TEENY BIT OFF THE MARK THAT GOT US HERE ..... THEN I'D ASK REV. WRIGHT FOR GUIDANCE AND CHECK WITH MICHELLE. LOOK ..... IF IT COMES DOWN TA VOTEN ON THIS THING ..... PUT ME DOWN FOR ... "PRESENT".

ICEMAN: SARAH??

SARAH: FER STARTERS, ANYBODY RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS SHOULD BE MAROONED ON AN ICEBERG SOMEWHERE. I'D DO IT MYSELF. FEEL LIKE SHOOTIN A DUCK OR SOMETHIN LATER??

ICEMAN: WHATTA YOU THINK JOEY.

JOEY B: I HAVE TA TELL YA I'VE GOT THE BEST ORTODONTIST ON THE PLANET AND THIS HAIRPLUG JOB ISN'T TO SHABBY EITHER. WHAT WAS YOUR QUESTION LITTLE MAN? YOU A MENSA MEMBER??

ICEMAN: MR. PRESIDENT .... HOW BOUT IT .... HOW ARE YOU GONNA FIX THIS???

PRESIDENT: HMMMMMMMM!! RIGHT BACK ATCHA WITH THAT ONE.

WALL STREET

YEP!! GOOD THING YA TURNED OVER ALL YER BUCKS TO THAT ALL-SEEING , ALL-KNOWING, HIGH IQ, WHARTON GRAD FINANCIAL ADVISER ..... ELSE YOU'D REALLY BE IN DEEP (BLEEP).

OH ???........................ SORRY ABOUT THAT.

THE GOOD NEWS IS, THERE'S GOING TO BE A FLOOD OF USED BMWs FOR SALE ...... CHEAP.

IF YA BUY ONE, MAKE SURE THE HEATER AND AC WORK WELL ..... YA MIGHT BE LIVING IN IT. WHILE YOUR AT IT, PICK ONE OF THOSE HIGH SPEED JOBS. THAT WAY, IF YOU HAPPEN TO SEE YOUR FINANCIAL GURU RUNNING ACROSS THE STREET, CHANCES ARE PRETTY GOOD YA MIGHT GET LUCKY.

SHUDDDUUUUPPPP!!!

ICEMAN DEFINITIONS: # 1

1 - (HYPHEN)-AMERICAN

AN AMERICAN WHO USES EITHER LEFT OR RIGHT CEREBRAL HEMISPHERE, BUT IS INCAPABLE OF UTILIZING BOTH IN UNISON. (AKA) MAXIMUS HYPHENATIA

2 - (SOMETHING)-CHALLENGED

YOUR NOT CHALLENGED. YOUR (BLEEPED)UP IN SOME WAY.

3 - POLITICALLY CORRECT

A FIB REGURGITATED BY POLITICIANS.

4 - BIPARTISAN

SAME AS BISEXUAL.

5 - CARBON FOOTPRINT

STUCK ON THE BOTTOM OF YOUR SHOE AFTER STEPPING IN SOMETHING GROSS.

6 - GREENHOUSE EFFECT

A BRAIN TUMOR THAT DEVELOPS FROM LISTENING TO A BARRAGE OF ENVIRONMENTAL "ARMAGEDDON TYPE" LECTURES OR DOCUMENTARIES.

7 - PARSE

TV COMMENTATORS JOIN TOGETHER AND PERFORM A SERVICE TO DECIPHER POLITICAL SPEECHES / ANNOUNCEMENTS. THIS IS NOW KNOWN AS THE UNITED PARSING SERVICE (AKA) UPS.

8 - VETTED

A PERSON WHO ONCE OWNED A CHEVROLET CORVETTE.

9 - VEGAN

ANYONE THAT LIVED IN VEGAS FOR MORE THAN SIX WEEKS.

10 - PERSON OF INTEREST

ANY PERSON THAT FILED A TAX RETURN WITHIN THE LAST 56 YEARS.

IKE

STORM OF THE CENTURY !!!

OMG .... SUPER MEDIA COVERAGE !! EVEN OUR BOY GERALDO WAS OUT THERE "AGAIN" !!!!!

ALL THE REPORTERS WERE HANGING ON TO FENCES AND DODGING ALL KINDS OF STUFF BEING BLOWN AROUND.

THOUSANDS OF PICTURES THAT SHOWED TRAFFIC LIGHTS SWAYING ...... SEA SPRAY AND EVERYTHING. THIS PHOTO WAS TAKEN OF WHAT APPEARS TO BE A DWARF TRYING TO GET INTO HIS CAR.

STAY TUNED .... I THINK GERALDO IS ABOUT READY TO GIVE US ANOTHER UPDATE ON JUST HOW LONG IT'LL BE BEFOR THE WORLD ENDS.

NEVER FORGET

_______________

SEMPER FI

OINK !! OINK !! OINK !!

OBAMA FAN CLUB

GEORGY SENT BARACK A MUSHY LETTER .... EVEN WROTE A SONG FOR HIM.

COMMENT:

MICHELLE: YA BEST GET ANY OTHER IDEARS OUTA THAT PUMKIN HEAD A YOURS.

BARACK: PRECIATE IT GEORGY ..... BUT IF I WERE YOU ... I'D STEER CLEAR OF MICHELLE FOR AWHILE.

I SEE ROSIES A FRIEND A YOURS ..... IF THAT DON'T BEAT ALL. TALK ABOUT AN ODD COUPLE!!

BUY ......................
........................
.........................

AMERICAN

FANNIE & FREDDIE

SOUNDS KINDA CUTESY DOESN'T IT? WELL .... FANNIE & FREDDIE HAVE A LITTLE PROBLEM. SEEMS TO BE MAYBE SOMEWHERE IN THE 5 TRILLION DOLLAR RANGE.

THAT'S $5,000,000,000.00.

NO BIG DEAL. UNCLE SAM TO THE RESCUE.

AND JUST HOW DO THE WHARTON BOYS FIX THE PROBLEM??

FIRST YA GET A VERY BIG ERASER AND LOTS OF WHITEOUT FOR THOSE PESKY BOOKS.

NEXT, YA FIRE A WHOLE BUNCH OF UNDERLINGS.

THEN, OBVIOUSLY, YOU HAND OUT MILLIONS TO THE TOP BRASS WHO RAN THE COMPANIES AND HIRE THEM ON AS CONSULTANTS.

DONE. PROBLEM SOLVED.

PUBLIC HANGINGS ARE DUE FOR A COMEBACK.

"O" SQUARED

OPY REFUSES TO PUT SARAH ON THE SHOW.

ICEMAN: WHY? OPY.

OPY: CAUSE " I MADE THE DECISION NOT TO USE MY SHOW AS A PLATFORM FOR ANY OF THE CANDIDATES".

ICEMAN: BUTTTT OPY !!!!

OPY: GET OUTA MA FACE WHITEBREAD !!!

MOAMMAR

YOU CAN CALL ME MO CONDI.

SAY, .... NOW THAT WE'RE GOOD BUDDYS, ...... YA THINK MAYBE YA CAN SEND ME THAT SHIPMENT OF BOTOX YA BEEN PROMISING ME FER YEARS?

AH MEAN ..... AH DON'T WANNA NUKE ANYBODY OVER THIS.

YA LIKE MA ROBE? GOT ME A DEGREE ON DA NET. COOL HUH!!

HEALTH ADVICE

AGAIN

HERE WE GO AGAIN:

STRONG RECOMMENDATION:

8 GLASSES OF WATER - DAILY......

STOP RIGHT THERE!!!!

LAST TIME YA TOLD ME THAT ... I DAM NEAR DROWNED AND LONG ABOUT A MONTH AGO YA TOLD ME THE WATER WAS LOADED WITH 53 DIFFERENT CHEMICALS AND DA BOTTLE WAS POISON. WHAT THE ........................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'M SWITCHIN BACK TA BUD BY THE MUG.

SURPRISE !!!!

1 THING 2 SAY:

SHE'S MA MAN !!!!

DUMB WOMEN

OL ANDREA SEEMS TO THINK "ONLY OLDER, UNEDUCATED, WHITE WOMEN" WILL VOTE FOR SARAH PALIN, NOT PEOPLE LIKE HER.

ICEMAN: BUT ANDREA, ISN'T THAT KIND OF A CONTRADICTION?? I MEAN, U MUST BE PUSHIN WHAT??? 70 ISH., U REALLY DON'T SEEM TO BE AN EINSTEIN, AND I'M ASSUMING YOUR NOT AFRICAN-AMERICAN. AM I OFF THE MARK HERE??

A: LISTEN BUB !! I'M GONNA SUE MY PLASTIC SURGEON IF U THINK I LOOK THAT OLD AND I AM A 100% PALEFACE. REMEMBER ONE THING .... I'M MARRIED TO BIG AL GREENSPAN .... THE X HEAD OF THE FED ... THE BIG GUY. NOW, I MIGHT NOT HAVE CHANGED MY NAME, BUT HE WOULDN'T CHANGE HIS EITHER. IT MAY HAVE HAD SOME INFLUENCE GETTIN ME A JOB BUT ME SMART ... AT LEAST SMART ENOUGH TO MARRY THAT TURKEY. OK !!! SO HE MIGHT BE A TEENY BIT RESPONSIBLE 4 BRINGING THE ECONOMY TO THE VERGE OF COLLAPSE, BUT EVEN HE'S SMART ENOUGH NOT TO VOTE 4 SARAH.

ICEMAN: WHO DOES YOUR HAIR?