MIKEY !!!!

I THINK HE LIKES IT !!!!

PHILLYS' NEW MAYOR HAS A HANDLE ON THE OFFICE ALREADY.

AS FAR AS CUTTING BACK ON ALL THE MURDERS IN THE CITY, THE FIRST THING WE'RE GONNA DO IS MAKE IT A FELONY FOR ANY MURDERER WE CATCH THAT IS CARRYING A GUN WITHOUT A PERMIT.

BEGINING JUNE 1ST, EVERY MURDERER MUST REGISTER HIS OR HER GUN OR BE SUBJECT TO A STIFF FINE.

AND FOR THE POOR FOLKS OF THE CITY, WE'RE OPENING UP 16 CENTERS FOR THEM TO FILE THEIR TAXES FOR FREE. EACH CITIZEN IS ENTITLED TO A $4,700.00 REBATE. WE EXPECT 40 / 50,000 CITIZENS TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS OPPORTUNITY.

THIS ACT WILL SOLVE TWO PROBLEMS.

ONE: ROBBERS' AND MURDERERS' WILL CUT BACK ON ROBING 7/11s AND CONCENTRATE ON THE LOCALS.

TWO: A GOODLY NUMBER OF THESE FOLKS WILL BE ABLE TO PICK UP THEIR USUAL CHECKS, FOOD STAMPS, ETC., AND COLLECT THE 4700 BUCKS EXTRA ON THE WAY HOME, THE SAME DAY.

THAT MIKE ...... HE'S A NUT. YA GOTTA LOVE IT.

BUENAS DIAS !!!!!!

THAT GOOD OL

AMERICAN

CHOCOLATE BAR

WILL NOW BE MANUFACTURED BY THOSE GOOD OL BOYS

JOSE, HUMBERTO & PEPE

SOMEWHERE AROUND

TIJUANA MEXICO.

ISN'T THAT GREAT??? NO MORE U.S. TAXES, NO MORE EPA, NO MORE FOOD & DRUG CHECKS, NO MORE INSURANCE, NO MORE LABOR, PENSIONS, .... NOTHIN ..... NADA.

HERSHEY, THAT AGE OLD " USED TA WAS " " AMERICAN " CO. HAS GENEROUSLY GIVEN 10,000 OF ITS AMERICAN EMPLOYEE'S A " PERMANENT " VACATION.

NOW, WITH THE NEW PLANT IN MEXICO, THE AMERICANS WHO ARE DUMB ENOUGH TO KEEP EATING THIS STUFF, WILL HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL JUAN TRUCKS IT ACROSS THE BORDER, BUT HE'LL PROBABLY HAVE TO DROP OFF A FEW ILLEGALS ALONG THE WAY.

HOOO RRRAAAAYYYY !!!!

CALIFORNIA WILL NOW ALLOW

MARIJUANA

VENDING MACHINES.

THEY WILL TAKE THE PLACE OF ALL THOSE NASTY CIGARETTE MACHINES THAT WERE ALL OVER THE PLACE. THAT (BLEEP) WAS DANGEROUS.

NOW YOU CAN GRAB A JOINT MOST ANYWHERE, LIGHT UP, JUMP IN YOUR RIDE AND HEAD OUT DOWN THE FREEWAY AT ABOUT A BUCK 10, AND NO SOB CAN STOP YA.

WAIT A SEC. ANYBODY CAN BUY A JOINT?

OH NO! YA GOTTA BE SICK.

WHO'S SICK?

AN AWFUL LOT A CALIFORNIANS.

EVEN IN DA HOOD?

THERE SEEMS TO BE AN EPIDEMIC IN DA HOOD.

RIGHT ON DUDE. WHAT SAY WE GO GET ANOTHER TAT. I STILL GOT SOME SPACE LEFT ON MY DOME.

STOCKS

38 BILLION BUCKS

IN THE RED

SOME OF U CLOWNS MIGHT ASK

HOW COME JOHNY?

WE'RE PAYIN THE HIGHEST TAXES IN THE (BLEEPIN) COUNTRY!!!!

I'M GLAD U AXED THAT.

IN ORDER TO COVER AS MANY FAT ASS POLITICIANS, BUREAUCRATS, AND OTHER ASSORTED A-HOLES THAT KINDA SORTA RUN THIS PLACE, IT TAKES ALOTA DOUGH. EVEN IF YA COUNT ALL THE PERKS AND PAYOFFS & STUFF, IT'S TOUGH TA KEEP UP.

SO, HOW YA GONNA GET THESE BUCKS? WE'RE BROKE NOW!

EASY!!!

I GOT THIS IDEEER LAST YEAR, RIGHT AFTER MY UNFORTUNATE 110 MPH CRASH ON THE NJPKY.

LET'S DOUBLE THE (BLEEPING) TOLLS.

PROBLEM SOLVED.

DID I MENTION, I DID PAY A 35 BUCK SEATBELT TICKET. AH GUESS U FOOLS PICKED UP THE 60 G TAB FOR THE SUV. SEE, THAT'S ONE OF THE GOVS PERKS.

OH YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. WHEN YA TRIED 2 BLAME IT ON THAT OTHER GUY. HOW'S YOUR DRIVER? STILL COLLECTIN I GUESS HUH. NO SPEEDING TICKET, NO RECKLESS DRIVEN, NO CELL PHONE TICKET EITHER. NOTHER ONE A THOSE PERKS? LOL

SO GOV, WHY DON'TCHA JUST DUMP SOME THOSE DRONES AND OBSCENE PENSIONS WHY DON'TCHA?

WWHHAAATTT???!!!!! AND RUIN MY REP. GIT THE (BLEEP) OUTA MY FACE........

(BLEEPIN) CIVI.

SHAKE PARDNA

........ PANTS ON FIRE

HOUSING BUST ??!!!!

ABSOLUTELY NOT !!!!!!

THESE FOLKS JUST LIKE SIGNS.

BY GEORGE .................

I THINK I'VE GOT IT !!!!!!!!

YUP ..... EACH & EVERY 1 OF THE LITTLE PEOPLE ARE ABOUT TO RECEIVE AN 800 BUCK CHECK!!

IT'S ABOUT TIME.

OK .... LET'S SEE ....................

THE ARM I COULDN'T AFFORD IS JUMPING 500 A MONTH.

MY PLASTIC IS MAXED AND THEY RAISED MY RATE TO 28% ... FAGET ABOUD IT.

THE CAR LEASE IS UP AND THEY WON'T GIVE ME ANOTHER ONE BECAUSE MY CREDIT SUCKS.

BLUE CROSS CANCELED MY POLICY AND I'M GETTING CHEST PAINS.

THE OIL GUY WON'T DELIVER CAUSE I DIDN'T PAY LAST MONTH.

THE POWER JUST WENT OUT WHILE I WAS ON THE HORN WITH THE "FINANCIAL ADVISER" AND MY SIGNIFICANT OTHER RAN IN TO TELL ME HE FOUND HIS SOUL MATE.

IT'S A DILEMA .... DO I PUT THIS DOUGH ON RED OR SHOP FOR GLOCK?

NEW DISCOVERY

RESEARCH SCIENTIST HAVE ANNOUNCED THAT HALF THE PILLS WE'RE SHOVING DOWN OUR THROATS ............

" DON'T WORK !!!!!! "

SURPRISE !!!!!!!!

SO NATURALLY, THE ICEMAN INTERVIEWED THE BIG BOPPER, THE BIG CHEESE, THE HEAD HAUNCHO FROM

PILLS A POPIN INC.

ICEMAN: OK, NOW WHAT .... I SAY .... NOW WHAT?? I MEAN I BEEN POPIN THIS (BLEEP) FER YEARS .... AND....AND NOW YER TELLIN ME IT'S NA NO NO (BLEEPIN) GOOD?

ACTUALLY, EVEN THOUGH THE JOKES ON YOU, WE MADE A (BLEEPIN) FORTUNE ON THIS (BLEEP). WE GOT HOOKED UP WITH INSURANCE COMPANIES, HOSPITALS AND DOCS AND THEY PRETTY MUCH GOT A KICK OUT OF IT.

WELL ... MY EYELID KEEPS JUMPING .... WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU MIX THIS CRAP WITH OTHER MEDS FROM PILLS A POPIN? LIKE HEART PILLS.

WE DUNNO. SO FAR, SO GOOD. SAY ..... YOU GOT AN EXTRA SMOKE ON YA?

CELL PHONE WARNING

AGAIN

GEESHHHHH !!!!

IS THERE ANY WAY TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM CELL PHONE USERS ??? YA KNOW, THOSE WAVES RICOCHET ALL THE (BLEEP) OVER THE PLACE.

YA THINK MAYBE THEY OUGHTA BE KEPT OUTSIDE WITH THE SMOKERS WHEN THEY WANNA MAKE ANOTHER 1 A THOSE BULL (BLEEP) CALLS ?

FDA

APPROVED

AMERICANS CAN FINALLY ENJOY EATING CLONED COWS.

HOWEVER:

SOME MAY EXPERIENCE MILD SIDE EFFECTS WHICH WILL BE MADE PUBLIC SOMETIME IN THE FUTURE ......... MAYBE.

REMEMBER: DON'T SMOKE.

NEW PHILLY

TOP COP

ICEMAN INTERVIEW:

WELL MR. COMMISIONER, WHAT'S THE PLAN TO CUT DOWN THE MURDER & MAYHEM IN THIS CITY OF BROTHERLY LOVE?

WOW!! THAT'S A TOUGH ONE BUT, RIGHT GROM THE GETGO, WE FEEL WE SHOULD HAND OUT FREE SILENCERS TO LOWER THE NOISE LEVEL OF THE CONSTANT GUNFIRE. NEXT, WE'RE GONNA HAVE SPECIAL COVERT TEAMS TO GO OUT AT NIGHT AND WASH OFF THE BLOOD FROM SIDEWALKS AND STREETS. THAT SHOULD KEEP DOWN THE LAWSUITS FROM PEOPLE SLIPPING AND FALLING ON THAT STUFF.

HOW YA DOIN SO FAR?

I GUESS YOU SAW JUST LAST WEEK SOME GIRL WAS ATTACKED AND WAS CUT TO RIBBONS BY A GANG OF GIRLS.

WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN??

FOR ONE THING, SHE DIDN'T GET SHOT (NO NOISE), AND, IF YOU NOTICED, IT WAS GIRLS. SO IT LOOKS LIKE THE BOYS ARE CUTTIN BACK ON MURDERS ALREADY.

BIG JOHN BACKS BARACK

HE AND THERESA FIGURE IT'LL GIVE THE BARACK A BIG BOOST.
THERESA THINKS SHE'S GOT MORE DOUGH THAN OPRA.
JOHN BELIEVES HES GOT MORE MEDALS THAN THERESA HAS KETCHUP.

FINALLY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE OUTDATED TUPPERWARE PARTY IS DEAD.

NOW THE GIRLS CAN GET TOGETHER AND HAVE A

TASER PARTY.............

IT'S GREAT. IT'S DAINTY, COMES IN A VARIETY OF COLORS THAT MATCH YOUR OUTFIT OR LIPSTICK AND ............ YOU CAN ZAP THE (BLEEP) OUT OF THE BOYFRIEND OR ANYBODY ELSE THAT MIGHT (BLEEP) YOU OFF ON 1 OF THOSE OFF DAYS.

AS FOR THE SINGLE MOMS IN THE GROUP ..... IF LITTLE JOHNY HAPPENS TO BE A PAIN IN THE ASS AT TIMES ........ WELL ??? .....

AND THEN THERE'S ALL THOSE OTHER AGGRAVATING MOMENTS LIKE SOME CLOWN TAKING YOUR PARKING SPACE OR THE DATE REFUSES TO OPEN YOUR DOOR, OR MAYBE THE SHOE SALESMAN TELLS YOU YOU NEED THE NEXT SIZE UP... ALL KINDS OF THOSE THINGS .... AND ON THOSE SPECIAL OCCASIONS WHEN U ASK THE HUBBY IF YOU LOOK FAT ..... YOUR MORE APT TO GET A GOOD RESPONSE WITH A HELL OF A LOT LESS HESITATION.

GOOD FOR PETS TOO. WHEN THE OLD MANS GERMAN SHEPHERD "SPIKE" DOESN'T LISTEN TO YOUR COMMANDS NEXT TIME .... ZAP THE S O B. FROM THEN ON, THAT BASTARD WILL JUMP JUST WHEN YOU EYEBALL HIM..... BUT YOU WILL BE FACED WITH THE CLEANUP ..... UNLESS OF COURSE U ASK HUBBY TO DO IT.

CLUE:

THIS IS A LARGE PUSSY CAT.

IN CASE MAMA NEVER TOLD YOU......

DON'T TEASE A GIANT (BLEEPING) PUSSY CAT !!!!!!!!

ESPECIALLY IF IT'S MEOW IS DEAFINING AND THE VARMIT IS 3 X BIGGER THAN YOU A-HOLE.

WIN !!!! WIN !!!! WIN !!!!!!!

WRITERS STRIKE

LATE NIGHT GUYS BACK ON AIR

ICEMAN INTERVIEWS SEXTUPLETS:

ICEMAN: SO HOW COME U CLOWNS R BACK ON? THE STRIKES NOT OVER.

DAVEY: WELL ... EVEN THOUGH WE'RE STAUNCH UNION MEMBERS ... WE JUST DON'T THINK THIS APPLIES TO US. AFTER ALL ... WE'RE GETTIN THE BIG BUCKS. (BLEEP) THEM LITTLE PEOPLE.

JAY: HEY!! I BOUGHT THOSE DUMB BASTARDS DOUGHNUTS ... DIDN'T U SEE ME!

OBRIAN: YOU DO KNOW I'LL BE TAKEN OVER LENOS SPOT IF HE DOESN'T (BLEEP) ME TOO. SO DON'T (BLEEP) AROUND WITH ME.

JIM JIM: WHAT!!!! THIS (BLEEP) HAS NOTHIN TA DO WITH JIMMY. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WE WAS ON STRIKE!!!!! NOBODY TOLD ME & I DON'T WATCH TV.

COLBERT: I'M IN BACK OF THESE UNION GUYS ............ WAAAAYYYYY BACK!

STUART: COME TO THINK ON IT .... I DON'T GIVE A FLYIN (BLEEP).

ICEMAN: AREN'T U AFRAID OF UNION RETALIATION?

GROUP: YEAH ... RIGHT. LIKE THEIR SO TOUGH. MOST OF THEIR ORGANIZERS ARE CROSSDRESSERS OR SILLY BOYS. AND NOT ONE GUY IN THE WHOLE BUNCH IS NAMED GUIDO OR GEORGY TWO FINGERS.

OH NO ...... NOT AGAIN !!!!!!

NO ... NO .... NO ...... IT'S NOT THE USUAL HUM DRUM PEDOPHILIA GIG. IT'S JUST THIS THING I HAPPEN TO HAVE ABOUT HANGIN OUT WITH GANGSTER TYPE GUYS. WE'RE PRETTY TIGHT.

THEY LIKE ME AND NOW AND THEN I HEAR A CONFESSION OR 2, YOU KNOW ... , MAYBE SOME DUDE DISAPPEARS AND THEY FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT.

OTHER THAN THAT , I MAY HAVE FIBBED TO THE GRAND JURY AND I LIKE CASINOS AS MUCH AS THE NEXT PADRE ..... ESPECIALLY WHEN I CAN MAKE THOSE GOOD OL PARISHIONER LONG SHOT BETS.

ANYWAY MA .... I GAVE UP SMOKES FOR THE NEW YEAR AND GO TO CHURCH REGLAR.

YA GOTTA PICK 1