AMEXICA

APPARENTLY ............

MEXICANS BELIEVE THEY OWN THE U.S.

ITALIANS BELIEVE THEY FOUND IT .... SOOOOO

BRITS THINK IF IT WASN'T 4 THEM .... THERE WOULDN'T BE A U.S..

AFRICANS WANT HALF THE COUNTRY BECAUSE THEY BUILT IT BELOW MINIMUM WAGE.

CHINESE WANT A CUT BECAUSE THEY BUILT HALF THE RAILROADS AND DID ALL THE DRY CLEANING.

THE GERMANS AND JAPANESE THINK WE JUST GOT LUCKY IN 41.

THE RUSSIANS DON'T THINK WE PRODUCE ENOUGH VODKA SO THEIR NOT EVEN INTERESTED.

THE ARABS WANT TO BLOW ALL OF US UP JUST FOR FUN.

LET'S SEE .... DID WE LEAVE OUT ANYBODY?? .... AAHHH YES ......

THE INDIANS WANT US ALL TO GET THE (BLEEP) OFF THEIR PROPERTY!!!!

THE SUPREMES

CHANGED THE LAW

NOW YOU HAVE TO SEND YOUR KID TO THE SCHOOL AROUND THE BLOCK.

WHO THE HELL CAME UP WITH THAT BRIGHT IDEA?

WHAT DA (BLEEP) DO WE DO WITH THESE BUSES???

HOW BOUT NEW ORLEANS? PLENTY OF SPACE, FREE PARKING, AND LOTSA PEOPLE STILL HAVE NO TRANSPORTATION TO LEAVE IF THEY HAVTA SPLIT REAL QUICK.

" ALLEGED " (LOL)

MURDERER

CURTIS ALLGIER

RECENTLY APPEARED ON BOOHOO TV SHOW

"LOCKUP"

JUST HAPPENED TO MURDER A POLICE OFFICER ON WAY TO THE HOSPITAL FOR A BACKACHE.

HE DID SAY HE WAS SORRY AND IF HE HAD ANY SPACE LEFT ON HIS (BLEEPING) GORD, HE'D PRINT IT.

" Y " " U "

WILL NEVER HAVE NATIONAL HEALTH CARE

INSURANCE COMPANIES ARE MAKING A FORTUNE KNOCKING YOUR BRAINS OUT WITH REDICULOUS PREMIUMS AND THEN DENY COVERAGE IN FINE PRINT.

STOCK HOLDERS ARE MAKING A FORTUNE BECAUSE OF ASTRONOMICAL COMPANY PROFITS.

DOCTORS ARE MAKING FORTUNES CHARGING YOU FOR UNNECESSARY TESTING AND PROCEDURES, THEN... PLACING YOU ON THAT ENDLESS TRAIN OF REFERRALS AND FOLLOW UP VISITS ..... IF YOU SURVIVE SURGERY.

PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANIES MAKE FORTUNES ON THE LIBERAL DISTRIBUTION OF PRESCRYPTION DRUGS. YOU CAN EVEN GET "PRESCRYPTION" MARIJUANA. IF YOU DON'T NEED IT, YOU CAN SELL IT ALONG WITH ALL THAT OTHER STUFF IN YOUR MEDICINE CABINET.

LAWYERS ARE MAKING A FORTUNE SUING DOCTORS FOR BOTCHED OPERATIONS AND SCREWED UP DIAGNOSIS. CLASS ACTION SUITS AGAINST DRUG MANUFACTURERS HAS BEEN A WINDFALL, USUALLY LEAVING THE VICTIMS WITH A PITTANCE.

A LARGE MAJORITY OF THE SENATE AND CONGRESS ARE LAWYERS.

ALL SENATORS, CONGRESSMEN AND GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE'S ( INCLUDING STATES & CITIES ) ENJOY FULL (FREE) HEALTH CARE AND REDICULOUS PENSIONS (EVEN THOSE THAT ARE INCARCERATED).

CONCLUSION:

1 - FORGET ABOUT NATIONAL HEALTH INSURANCE.

REMEDY:

2 - RUN FOR OFFICE.

PHILADELPHIA

CITY OF BROTHERLY LOVE

IT'S THE 1ST DAY OF SUMMER IN PHILLY. AND A BEAUTIFUL DAY IT IS.

THE SUN IS UP AND THE CITY HAS BEGUN THE DAILY TASKS OF PICKING UP BODIES AND REMOVING LAST NIGHTS BLOOD SPLATTERS.

THE CITY USUALLY HANDS OUT FANS AND THINGS TO THE ELDERLY AND NEEDY ON THIS DAY TO CELEBRATE THE BEGINNING OF SUMMER. THIS YEAR THE CITY'S ELDERS WE'RE TOSSING AROUND THE IDEA OF ADDING BULLETPROOF VESTS TO THE GIVEAWAY PROGRAM BUT NIXED IT BECAUSE A LARGE PART OF THE POPULATION IS AFRAID TO VENTURE OUT OF THEIR HOMES ANYWAY ... THAT'S WHY THEY HAND OUT FREE FANS.

HERE'S HOPING YOU SURVIVE SUMMER IN THE CITY. HAVE A NICE DAY ..... BUT WATCH OUT FOR THOSE NIGHTS ..... MUZZEL FLASH'S ARE SCARY AND GUNFIRE IS DEAFENING.

IO NEW COMMANDMENTS

THE CHURCH IS SERIOUS ABOUT THE NEW TOP TEN LIST.

UNFORTUNATELY THEY FORGOT TO ADD ON THESE LAST TWO COMMANDMENTS.

NOW WHEN YOU HAVE TO SHOW UP AT THE HOLY OF HOLYS DMV, THE DRONES WILL REQUIRE YOU TO GENUFLECT, RECITE THE NEW COMMANDMENTS (ONLY THE 1ST 1O), AND HEAR YOUR CONFESSION.

ALL PENANCE WILL BE STANDERDIZED.

YOU'LL HAVE TO ADOPT AN ILLEGAL ALIEN.

AMEN.

WHOSE NUTS???

STATES ARE ABOUT TO DECIDE WHO IS MENTALLY FIT TO VOTE

THIS IS PROVING TO BE A DIFFICULT PROBLEM TO SOLVE.

SHOULD A LAW LIKE THIS PASS, IT COULD BACKFIRE.

THE DEMS MAY FACE A HUGE LOSS IN VOTER REGISTRATIONS.

THE GOP COULD LOSE AT LEAST HALF THEIR REPRESENTATIVES IN CONGRESS AND THE SENATE.

IT'S A DILEMMA.

THE ONLY KNOWN BENEFIT OF THE LAW WOULD REQUIRE ALL STATES TO IMMEDIATELY DISMISS ALL DMV EMPLOYEE'S BECAUSE OF OBVIOUS REASONS.

THE ULTIMATE DIET

THE LATEST TREND:

ELIMINATE OBESITY

ONCE AGAIN THE GOVERNMENT, TOGETHER WITH BIG BUSINESS, HAS RESOLVED YET ONE MORE SOCIAL PROBLEM. THIS PROGRAM HAS BEEN IN THE WORKS FOR YEARS.

THE AVERAGE AMERICAN FAMILY WILL NOW BE ABLE TO SHED ALL THOSE ADDITIONAL POUNDS WITHOUT EVEN REALIZING IT. NO EXERCISING, NO DIET PILLS, NO NOTHING.

IT WORKS LIKE THIS. IT'S SIMPLE BUT VERY EFFECTIVE. THE DRIVE TO THE SUPER MARKET NOW COSTS' TWICE AS MUCH. SO SOON ENOUGH YOU'LL HAVE TO CUT BACK ON THE TRIPS, WHICH THEORETICALLY CUTS DOWN ON THE FOOD YOU PURCHASE.

ONCE YOU ARRIVE AT THE STORE YOU WILL SOON NOTICE THE PRICES HAVE SOARED, THEREBY SEVERELY LIMITING THE QUANTITY OF TWINKIES AND OTHER GOODIES YOU CAN BUY ALONG WITH THINGS LIKE MILK AND BREAD.

ALL IN ALL, THE AVERAGE FAMILY SHOULD LOSE A CONSIDERABLE AMOUNT OF WEIGHT AND HELP GREEN THE ENVIRONMENT AT THE SAME TIME BECAUSE YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO DRIVE ANYWHERE.

PROBLEM SOLVED.

SPACE STATION

- PROBLEM -

OVERHEARD TRANSMISSION:

SHUTTLE TO EARTH ..... SHUTTLE TO EARTH ..... ANYONE THERE?

YO!!!!!!! WASSUP?

GOT A MINOR PROBLEM.

LAY IT ON ME DUDE.

YEH ... WELL ..... THE STATIONS COMPUTERS CRASHED, THERE'S NO WATER, THE OXYGEN QUIT, WE'RE RUNNIN LOW ON GAS AND THIS THING MIGHT FALL DOWN. ANY IDEAS? ..... OVER.

........ HOW MUCH VODKA DO THE RUSKYS HAVE ON BOARD?

BOMBS AWAY !!!!!

IT'S BEEN REPORTED THAT THE U.S. HAS DEVELOPED A SUPER SECRET " GAY BOMB ".

THE GOVT. DENIES IT BUT WE BELIEVE A PROTOTYPE FELL OFF A TRUCK IN SAN FRANCISCO IN THE EARLY 90s.

EXPLODING THE BOMB WOULD RENDER ALL COMBATANTS HORNY AND HOMOSEXUAL.

AFTER MUCH DISCUSSION, MILITARY PERSONNEL HAVE CONCLUDED IT WOULD SERVE NO PURPOSE TO DROP THE BOMB ON IRAN. NOTHING WOULD CHANGE.

ALZHEIMER'S

STATES SURPLUS $$$$$$$

SURPRISE !!!!!

OVER 40 STATES HAVE FOUND HUGE SURPLUS MONIES IN THEIR COFFERS.

GOOD NEWS:

THE POLITICIANS HAD NO IDEA SCREWING OVER THEIR CITIZENS COULD POSSIBLY BE THIS BENEFICIAL, ESPECIALLY STICKING IT UP THE (BLEEP) OF SMOKERS AS MUCH AS THEY HAVE. THIS HUGE SURPLUS IS ALMOST LIKE WINNING THE LOTTERY. WE'RE TALKIN BILLIONS!!

BAD NEWS:

EACH STATE PLANS AN EMERGENCY MEETING TO TRY AND DETERMINE JUST WHO DIDN'T PISS AWAY OR SNATCH THEIR SHARE OF LAST YEARS COOKIE JAR. IT'S EMBARASSING.

PARIS

FRANCE HAS ELECTED A NEW PRESIDENT.

PARIS WAS NAMED AFTER A HOTEL.

THE HOTEL IS FAMOUS FOR CATERING TO HIGH-CLASS, WEALTHY CLIENTEL.

PARIS IS FAMOUS FOR WEALTH AND BEING NAMED AFTER A HOTEL.

SOMEBODY MUST HAVE MADE A BOO BOO. THE NAMESAKE WOULD BE MORE APPROPRIATE IF IT WAS A MOTEL.

LIL PARI WAS SENTENCED TO GO TO JAIL FOR 45 DAYS .... DOWN TO 23 DAYS ..... DOWN TO 3 DAYS ...... DOWN TO HANGIN OUT IN A PALACE WITH HER CELEBRITY HOMEYS AND OTHER SPACE CADETS.

YOU LITTLE PEOPLE DON'T GET IT. YOUR JUST JEALOUS.

IN THIS COUNTRY, YOU CAN HAVE THE BRAINS OF A MOSQUITO, NO TALENT, NO CLASS, AND NO MORALS, AND STILL BECOME IDOLIZED. ALL YOU REQUIRE IS A FEW BUCKS AND YOU ARE AUTOMATICALLY IMMUNE FROM PROSECUTION.

CELA VIE.

HEALTH INSURANCE

BASIC PLANS

PLAN A

GET INSURANCE AND GO BROKE PAYING THE PREMIUMS.

PLAN B

MIDDLE CLASS FAMILIES:

GO WITHOUT COVERAGE AND GO BROKE IF YOU GO TO HOSPITAL.

PLAN C

IF YOU ARE BROKE, YOU HAVE FULL COVERAGE AT NO COST.

THOSE ARE THE THREE BASIC PLANS.

IF YOU ARE COLLECTING SS, YOU ARE ENTITTLED TO RECEIVE MEDICARE. THIS COVERAGE, GUARNTEED BY THE US GOVERNMENT, WILL PAY FOR MOST AILMENTS LIKE HANG-NAILS, IVY POISON, MAYBE A SPLINTER OR TWO. OF COURSE THERE IS A DEDUCTION FROM YOUR SS CHECK FOR THIS GENEROUS ENTITLEMENT.

SO THERE YA GO CITIZEN. THE CHOICE IS YOURS.

CONGRESSMAN

WILLIAM JEFFERSON

AKA: DOLLAR BILL

X PRESIDENT JACQUES

TOOTHPASTE

THE FDA HAS ISSUED A WARNING AND SUGGESTED YOU THROW OUT ALL YOUR TOOTHPASTE MADE IN CHINA.

EVEN THOUGH THIS WILL IMPACT WALMART SALES, WE STRONGLY SUGGEST YOU STOP BRUSHING IMMEDIATELY, UNLESS YOU SPEAK MANDARIN OR YOUR NOT ALLERGIC TO ANTIFREEZE.

ON THE PLUS SIDE, ANTIFREEZE WILL REMOVE CIGARETTE STAINS FROM YOUR TEETH BUT THE SIDE EFFECTS COULD BE UNCOMFORTABLE.

CHECK WITH YOUR DENTIST ASAP.

DO NOT ADD THIS TO YOUR " DO NOT EAT LIST " OR " DO NOT TAKE PILL LIST ". TOOTHPASTE IS IN A DIFFERENT CATEGORY.

NOTE: IF THE TOOTHPASTE, CONTAMINATED FOODS OR BAD PILLS HAVEN'T RUINED YOUR HEALTH ALREADY, REMEMBER,...... " DON'T SMOKE ". IT'LL KILL YA.