SEATBELTS

JOHNY MADE A COMMERCIAL:

JOHNY SAYS HE'S SAWY HE DIDN'T WEAR HIS SEATBELT AND PAID A HEFTY FINE.

SO NOW IT LOOKS LIKE WE CAN CATAPULT DOWN THE NJPKWY AT 90 PLUS,

SHOOT THE (BLEEP) WITH THE GIRLFREINDS HUBBY ON DA CELL,

ENDANGER EVERY OTHER BUCKLED UP JERSEYITE ON THE TRACK,

WRECK A 60 G (STATE OWNED) SUV,

DAMAGE THE ROADWAY,

AND NOT GIVE A (BLEEP) .... SO LONG AS YOU CLICKED IT .... AND MAYBE HAVE JOHNYS CELL PHONE #.

C I N D Y

PMS

GOODBYE TO PMS LADIES.

NOW YOU CAN BEAT MOTHER NATURE AT HER OWN GAME....

..... AT LEAST UNTIL THESE BRILLIANT SCIENTISTS' DISCOVER THEY MAY HAVE MADE A BOO BOO.

WARNING LABEL:

DO NOT USE THIS PRODUCT IF YOUR GENERAL NATURE IS DIFFICULT.

SIDE EFFECTS:

YOU MAY EXPERIENCE SWELLING OF THE HEAD IF YOUR SYSTEM BACKS UP. YOUR FANNY MAY TRIPLE IN SIZE. YOU MAY HAVE UNCONTROLABLE FITS OF LAUGHTER AND CONFUSE YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER.

NOTE: IF YOUR HEAD EXPANDS TO THE SIZE OF A BASKETBALL, CONTACT YOUR DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY BEFORE IT EXPLODES.

JIMMY, JIMMY, JIMMY, JIMMY, JIMMY

PLEASE HELP BRING OUR TROOPS HOME, JUST LIKE YOU BROUGHT OUR HOSTAGES HOME.

NEXT TIME YOU VISIT YOUR BUDDY CASTRO OR THE PALISTINIANS, ASK THEM IF THEY'LL GIVE US A HAND.

ELECTION - 2008

HOW TO BUY

THE WHITE HOUSE

THE COMBINED CAMPAIGNS FOR THE 2008 ELECTION WERE SAID TO COST 1 BILLION DOLLARS, THE MOST EXPENSIVE IN HISTORY.

WELL!! THAT WAS YESTERDAY.

MIKES THINKIN ABOUT GETTIN INTO THIS THING AND FIGURES HE'LL PUT UP ABOUT A BILLION BUCKS OR SO OF HIS ON DOUGH. WHAT'S THE POINT IN HAVIN TO BEG ANY POOR SOB OR CORP FOR ANYTHING IF YA DON'T HAV TA. (BLEEP) EM.

HE FIGURES EVERYBODY LOVES HIM, BUT, JUST TA CHECK .... AOL TOOK A POLL.

A LITTLE PECULIAR, BUT IT LOOK LIKE MIKES RIGHT ON THE MONEY ..... AT LEAST, THAT'S THE RESULT OF DA POLL STATS.

REGULAR GAS

HOW TO DETERMINE WHICH BLEND:

IF YOU HAVE: REGULAR GAS

1 - FUEL COSTS $3.25 GAL

2 - NO MORTGAGE OR CAR PAYMENT.

3 - YOUR ON SS & MEDICARE BUT STILL CAN'T AFFORD TO GO OUT TO DINNER ONCE IN AWHILE.

IF YOU HAVE GAS "PLUS"

1 - FUEL COSTS $3.50 GAL

2 - MORTGAGE IS $2200.00 MTH - NO CAR PAYMENT

3 - HEALTH INSURANCE IS $1200.00 MTH

IF YOU HAVE " SUPER " GAS

1- FUEL COSTS $3.85 GAL

2 - MORTGAGE IS $2200.00 MTH - CAR PAYMENT $550.00 MTH

3 - EQUITY LOAN IS $900.00 MTH - CREDIT CARDS - 500.00 MTH

4 - HEALTH INSURANCE IS $1500.00 MTH BECAUSE YOU SMOKE

5 - YOU DIDN'T YET PAY LAST YEARS IRS BILL - PROPERTY TAX BILL JUST ARRIVED

IF YOU HAVE AN "ULTRA" GAS PROBLEM

(ALL OF THE ABOVE) PLUS

1 - YOU RECEIVED A PINK SLIP - YOUR PENSIONS BEEN ELIMINATED

2 - HEALTH INSURANCE WAS CANCELED

3 - COLLECTION AGENCY'S CALLING BOTH HOME & CELL PHONE

4 - YOUR WIFE JUST TOLD YOU SHE'S PREGNANT

5 - YOUR SON HAS ASKED FOR A SEX CHANGE OPERATION

6 - YOU RECEIVED DIVORCE PAPERS, REGISTERED MAIL THIS MORNING

IF YOU ARE IN THIS CATEGORY ... YOU HAVE PASSED GAS AND ARE

(BLEEP) OUT OF LUCK.

GOP

DEBATE #1

HOW TO PICK YOUR FAVORITE:

1 - HE SHOULD BE IN THE RUNNING

2 - HE SHOULD BE IN THE RUNNING

3 - HE SHOULD BE IN THE RUNNING

4 - SOME HAIR

5 - GOOD HAIR

6 - GOOD EJUMACATION

7 - HAS NOT HAD MORE THAN 4 OR 5 GIRLFRIENDS WHILE MARRIED.

8 - NEVER USES MORE THAN 1 PRIVATE JET AT A TIME.

9 - HAS SOME KNOWLEDGE OF McDONALDS MENU.

10 - HAS NOT HELD A GOVT. JOB FOR MORE THAN 50 YEARS.

MULTIVITAMIN WARNING

A NEW GOVT. STUDY HAS FOUND THESE VITAMINS TO CAUSE PROSTATE CANCER.

IN ORDER TO INFORM & PROTECT OUR HEALTH NUT POPULATION, GOVT. SCIENTISTS HAVE FOUND A SOLUTION TO THIS PROBLEM.

ALL INDIVIDUALS THAT ARE TAKING THESE PILLS IN THE HOPE OF EVOLVING INTO SUPERMAN AND LIVING 3 OR 400 YEARS SHOULD FOLLOW THIS DIET IMMEDIATELY:

EAT REGULAR (BLEEPING) FOOD AND GET OFF THAT (BLEEP).

PLEASE PLACE THIS WARNING ON YOUR "DO NOT TAKE PILL" LIST. NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH YOUR "DO NOT EAT" LIST, SUPPLIED BY THE ICEMAN.

NEW JERSEY

ALMOST 14,000 ACRES ARE ABLAZE.

THE FIRE WAS ACCIDENTALLY SET OFF WHILE AERIAL WAR GAMES WERE BEING CONDUCTED. A FLARE WAS SHOT INTO THE TINDER BOX BY MISTAKE.

RESIDENTS HAVE BEEN ASSURED THAT THE FIRE WILL BE EXTINGUISHED AS SOON AS MOTHER NATURE DECIDES TO RAIN ON IT.

AT THE MOMENT, FLORIDA SNOWBIRDS ARE CONFUSED ABOUT THEIR MIGRATORY TRIP TO SOUTH JERSEY FOR THE SUMMER SEASON. THE QUESTION IS, DO WE STAY WITH THE FIRE AND ASHES AT THE WINTER HACIENDA OR DO WE HEAD ON UP NORTH WHERE THE SUMMER PLACE LOOKS LIKE HELL. IT'S A DILEMMA.

FLORIDA

FIRE - FIRE - FIRE

200 FIRES BURNING SIMULTANEOUSLY:

90,000 ACRES

OR

200 SQUARE MILES (SO FAR)

CONSISTENT REQUESTS FROM FOREST EMPLOYEE'S TO HAVE PRESCRIBED CONTROLLED BURNS AND TREE THINNING WERE DENIED BY THE STATE PINHEADS.

STATES OFFICIAL ANSWER TO THIS CATASTROPHE:

OOOPS. WELL ..... ANYWAY .... LOOKS LIKE WE DON'T HAVE TO ARGUE ABOUT CONTROLLED BURNS FOR AWHILE.

SO WHAT SAY WE HIT THE BEACH OR GO GOLFING BEFORE THE WHOLE PLACE TURNS INTO A CINDER.

NEW " S " RATING

PROTECT THE CHILDREN

NO MO SMOKIN IN DA FLICK

THE PASSING OF THIS NEW RATING WILL ERASE ALL MEMORY OF THIS DISGUSTING SIGHT.

ALL OTHER CONTENT WILL REMAIN THE SAME (EG.) MURDER, TORTURE, RAPE, BEHEADINGS, ETC..

NOTE:

AS A SIDEBAR TO THE ORGANIZATIONS AND SPECIFIC " SAVE THE CHILDREN " GROUPS EFFORTS, THEY WILL CONTINUE TO PRESS ON TO LEGALIZE GRASS AND ELIMINATE HOMEWORK.

___ SIGNS ___

- IN THE NEWS -

A GOOD THING:

SHOPLIFTERS ARE FORCED TO WEAR A SIGN IN FRONT OF STORE.

ANOTHER THING:

THE STORE MIGHT FROWN ON A SIGN OF THEIR OWN.

THE FEAR IS THAT MANY OF THEIR SHOPPERS WOULD STOP SPENDING THEIR UNEMPLOYMENT CHECKS IN STORE AND BEGIN TO HUNT FOR SOME OTHER OUTLET THAT MIGHT SELL AMERICAN PRODUCTS.

WHERE THAT MAY BE ............................ WE DON'T KNOW.

PS: WALMART WILL BEGIN TO OFFER JOB APPS. IN SPANISH ONLY IN AN ATTEMPT TO MAKE A FULL CIRCLE. ......... BUY ALL MERCHANDISE FROM ANYPLACE OTHER THAN THE UNITED STATES ..... HIGHER AS MANY ILLEGALS AS POSSIBLE ...... THEN SELL TO ALL-AMERICAN PATRIOTS BEFORE THEY ALL BANKRUPT.

O.J.

DENIED SERVICE IN AN UPSCALE STEAKHOUSE IN LOUISVILLE.

THE JUICE IS CLAIMING PREJUDICE.

THE OWNER TRIED TO EXPLAIN TO THE MOST RECENT O.J. BLONDY THAT HIS REQUEST IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT BASED ON RACE.

IT'S JUST COMPANY POLICY THAT THEY DO NOT SERVE EX-MURDERERS, AND BESIDES THAT, O.J. MIGHT EXPERIENCE DEJA VU WHICH COULD CAUSE A PROBLEM. STEAK KNIVES ARE ALL OVER THE PLACE HERE, YOUR BLONDE, AND WE JUST GOT NEW CARPET.

ROYAL VISIT

THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND ACTUALLY TOOK THE TIME OUT OF HER BUSY SCHEDULE TO VISIT THE SOMEWHAT LESS THAN SOPHISTICATED AMERICANS..... OR MAYBE SHE JUST WANTED TO GO TO THE TRACK.

THE QUEEN KIND OF DEMANDS SPECIAL FORMALITIES AND RECOGNITION, AND RIGHTLY SO. AFTER ALL, IT'S NOT EVERYONE THAT CAN BE BORN INTO A LIFE THAT PAMPERS AND SUPPORTS YOU FOR A LIFETIME. IT'S LIKE WINNING THE SUPER DUPER COLOSSAL GLOBAL LOTTERY. YOUR ONLY REAL OBLIGATION IS TO READ UP ON PROPER ETIQUETTE ABOUT JUST HOW ALL THE LITTLE PEOPLE SHOULD PAY ATTENTION TO YOU. THEN YOU CAN WANDER FROM HERE TO THERE AND LOOK DOWN ON EVERYBODY (DON'T LOOK HER RIGHT IN THE EYE ... YOUR NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THAT).

W ACTUALLY GOT ALL DRESSED UP FOR DINNER WITH THE QUEEN. I GUESS IF GEORGE AND LAURA WERE TO RECEIVE A RECIPROCAL INVITE, THE ROYALS WOULD EXCERSISE PROPER ETIQUETTE AND DON COWBOY ATTIRE AT A PALACE BARBECUE SHINDIG.

NOT!

BLITZ ON TICKETS

TROOPERS DECLARE A "BLITZ" ON SPEEDING TICKETS.

IT IS THEIR ANSWER TO MEDIA CRITICISM OF NJ GOVs SUV CRASH.

BILLIONAIRE JOHNY "NO SEAT BELT" CORZINE (PASSENGER) ASKED FOR, AND RECEIVED, A TICKET FOR NO SEAT BELT. HE VOWED HE WOULD PAY FOR THE TICKET, OUT OF HIS OWN POCKET. HE SHOULD, NO MATTER HOW MUCH OF A FINANCIAL BURDEN THIS PUTS UPON HIM.

THE DRIVER OF THE SUV, A NJ STATE TROOPER, (MULTITASKING) WAS ENGAGED IN A CELL PHONE CONVERSATION WITH HIS GIRLFRIENDS HUSBAND WHILE CRUISING DOWN THE NJ PKWY AT 90+. HE WAS CHAUFFEURING THE GOV TO A MUCHO IMPORTANTE MEETING WITH "THE MAD HATTER OF MANHATTAN" THE "I" MAN. THERE WAS NO MENTION OF THE TROOPER OBEYING THE "STATE NO SEAT BELT LAW" HIMSELF.

SOOOO!!! WE REALLY AREN'T SURE IF THE TROOPERS ARE PISSED BECAUSE JOHNY GOT A TICKET, OR THE DRIVER GOT ZILCH VIOLATIONS, OR THEY GOT CAUGHT TRYING TO BLAME THE ACCIDENT ON A HANDICAPPED PERSON, OR NOT PAYING FOR DEMOLISHING A STATE OWNED VEHICLE, OR NOT PAYING FOR DAMAGES TO THE ROADWAY (WHICH YOU WOULD).

HERE'S A TIP. NEXT TIME YOUR "ON THE WAY TO CAPE MAY", AND YOU FEEL THE NEED TO CALL YOUR GIRLFRIENDS HUSBAND, BUCKLE UP AND PUT THE PEDAL TO THE METAL ...... JUST REMEMBER TO PURCHASE A SMOKEY HAT BEFORE HAND.

20 MILLION

$ 1,000,000.00

WHAT'S BIGGER THAN A PIZZA, BUT SMALLER THAN A BUICK?

YOU GUESSED IT !!!! IT'S THE NEWLY MINTED CANADIAN

MILLION DOLLAR COIN !!!!!

YA GOTTA HAND IT TO EM. THEY MUST HAVE ANTICIPATED THE RISE IN FUEL COSTS AND MINTED THIS COIN.

CANADIAN DRIVERS WILL NO LONGER HAVE TO FUMBLE THROUGH THEIR WALLETS SEARCHING FOR THAT PESKY CHARGE CARD OR WRITE A CHECK WHEN THEY FILL UP THE FAMILY TRUCKSTER. THEY CAN NOW JUST OPEN THE TRUNK AND HAND OVER THIS GIANT GOLD WAFER.

KEEP IN MIND THOUGH, WHEN TRAVELING THROUGH THE U. S., CARRY TWO. JUST IN CASE YOU NEED A PACK OF SMOKES.

N.B.A.

CLAIMS OF PREJUDICE

A STUDY BY THE U. OF P. AND CORNELL IS ABOUT TO BE RELEASED. IT CLAIMS THAT WHITE REFEREES CALLED FOULS AT A GREATER RATE AGAINST BLACK PLAYERS THAN WHITE PLAYERS.

WHEN CONFRONTED WITH THIS ACCUSATION, MANY NBA OFFICIALS WERE STUNNED TO LEARN THAT TOKEN PLAYERS STILL EXISTED.

THEY HAVE INITIATED THEIR OWN INVESTIGATION. IF THESE CLAIMS PROVE TO BE TRUE, THE REFEREES INVOLVED WILL BE FIRED IMMEDIATELY.

THE REF'S DENY THE CLAIM. THEY SAY THAT IT IS SOMETIMES DIFFICULT TO CALL A FOWL BECAUSE THEY ARE SURROUNDED BY KNEES THAT OBSTRUCT THEIR VISION, AND THE FEAR OF BEING TRAMPLED IS OVERWHELMING.

THE UNION THAT REPRESENTS THE REFEREES WILL INTRODUCE A NEW DEMAND IN THE NEXT CONTRACT NEGOTIATION. REFEREES WILL BE ISSUED POGO STICKS IN ORDER TO SEE ALL PARTICIPANTS IN THE GAME.

CFL BULB

IT'S NEW, IT'S A TRUE INNOVATION, IT'S A MIRACLE OF SCIENCE, IT'S WONDERFUL, IT'S ONE GIANT STEP TO CONSERVE ENERGY, IT'S SOON GOING TO BE THE ONLY LIGHT-BULB AVAILABLE, IT'S MUCH MORE EXPENSIVE, IT'S GUARANTEED TO LAST FOR YEARS.

JUST ..................

DON'T DROP IT!!!!!!

IT'LL KILL YOU!!!!!

WELL!!! NOT EVERTHING'S PERFECT.

" LOS ANGELES "

# 1 (UNO)

AH YES, THE CITY OF ANGELS, ALSO, THE CITY OF:

MS-13

CRYPTS

BLOODS

HEALTH NUTS

RELIGIOUS NUTS

NUTS

PORN

SUNTANS

STRING BIKINIS,

IS PROUD ONCE AGAIN TO BE RATED THE #1 POLLUTION CITY IN THE U.S.. FOLLOWED CLOSELY BY TWO OTHER CALIFORNIA CITIES ON THE TOP 10 LIST.

BECAUSE OF THIS RECOGNITION, SMOKERS WILL NO LONGER BE PERMITTED TO SMOKE OUTDOORS. STRAIGHT CITY OFFICIALS HAVE DETERMINED THAT IT CONTRIBUTES TO THE POLLUTION PROBLEM AND IT IS MUCH SAFER FOR ALL CONCERNED TO CONFINE SMOKERS INSIDE BARS, RESTAURANTS AND ALL PUBLIC AREAS (INSIDE ONLY). THIS, IN ALL LIKELIHOOD, WILL REVERSE THE TREND COUNTRY WIDE.

POTHEADS WILL STILL BE PERMITTED TO SMOKE BOTH INDOORS & OUT.