" MY PANTS ARE NOT ON FIRE "

HYPOCRISY AT ITS BEST

The Iceman interviews the Senator from Chappaquiddick:

Iceman: So Teddy, haven’t you been a little "over the top" questioning Sammy?

Teddy: No way! Ya gotta know what to ask these guys to make absolutely sure their honest and ethical. Ya know this guys gonna be judgin the hell out of a lot a stuff.

Iceman: And what is it that makes you believe your the ideal person to grill this guy? You seemed to be almost fanatical.

Teddy: Well, for one thing, I’ve been invoved with enough judges in my time to know when you can buy yourself in to, or out of, most anything if ya got the Big Bucks.
Besides that, I don’t want him to go nosing around any of the stuff Popa Joe took care of for me among some other little known deals.

Iceman: Say. Now that you mentioned little known deals, you still not payin any taxes on that half a billion family nestegg?

Teddy: Who the (Bleep) told you about that?

Iceman: OK! OK! You up for a cold one?

Teddy: Now your talkin!

Beep Beep IV:

" CHANGE MY OIL "

The continuing saga of "Darth."

The " Iceman " got a coupon in the mail. " SPECIAL !!! "
OIL CHANGE - $ 29.95.

Sooooooooo. I deviated from my hectic schedule, dropped everything, jumped in the Macho Mobile and raced over to my favorite Dodge dealership. I didn’t want to miss that five buck savings. It was like getting to the restaurant for the "Early Bird Special". The mailer said open at 7:30 so I figured I’d avoid the other "Birds" and show up at 7:20.

Arrived. First in line. Customer service desk. Nobody at the counter. Noticed a human in a side office eyeballing me. Musta thought I was a burglar. After a few minutes of observation the "Service Specialist " meandered out to the counter.

Conversation:

Service Specialist : What do you want?
Iceman: Oil Change ... got a coupon in the mail.
Service Specialist : We don’t open till 8 .... it’s 7:30.
Iceman: Coupon says 7:30.
Service Specialist: 8 ......... look at the sign.
Iceman: Look at the coupon ........... 7:30.
Service Specialist: Lets see it.
Iceman: I’ll wait for it. $29.95 ... not a bad deal.
Service Specialist: That’s a HEMI isn’t it?
Iceman: Yeah.
Service Specialist: Coupon isn’t for HEMIs.
Iceman: Butttt, the coupon says. Well. I’m here now. Might as well change the oil. How much?
Service Specialist: Computer says ya got almost 15,000 mi. Ya gotta do maintenance.
Iceman: OK. How much?
Service Specialist: Let’s see ...... round about 300 bucks will cover it..... and it says here, if you don’t do it, you lose your warranty, so, what’s it gonna be?
Iceman: You got any nitroglycerin tablets handy?

Slowly but surely:

"Avoiding Extinction"

The Interview:

The Iceman met up with one of the head executives of the federal health organization, Dr. Nomore. They sat down and had a heart to heart discussion about the catastrophic results of smoking.

Iceman: I see the latest news on TV that smoking kills one person every 8 seconds. Is that true?

Nomore: Of course it’s true, and the number could be even higher.

Iceman: Wow! And how long has this been going on?

Nomore: What the hell do you mean? Since the beginning ... idiot.

Iceman: Don’t get excited. Did you take your Valium this morning? I’m just thinking that, according to your stats, about 4 million a year die from smoking. Isn’t that right?

Nomore: Yea. So?

Iceman: So .... just over the last 50 years .... 200 million got killed.

Nomore: Boy. Your quite the mathematician. Your not as dumb as you look.

Iceman: I just thought that must be the reason there’s so few people around any more. Wait a second. Aren’t there about 300 million of us in this country, not counting about another 40 or 50 million illegal non-smokers?

Nomore: I never said I was the one that figured out these numbers. It was some Actuary that interned here a while back, but he’s not here any more. Tested positive I think.

Iceman: No .... I’m thinking we should be put on an endangered species list or something. Say, is there any kind of real threat from all the drugs or alcohol, or chemicals in our air and water, or mercury in our seafood, or flu, or venereal diseases and stuff like that.

Nomore: None that we can say out loud.

Iceman: I see you may have overdosed on Viagra this morning. How long have you been addicted to Prozac?

" SENATORS "

" THE # 1 BANANA "

WE’RE JUST WILD ABOUT HARRY

After ARRP voted Harry " Man of the Year ", some of the members once again believe in miracles. Only in America can a person realize his dream of singing one, yes, that’s right ( 1 ), song, and expect a lifetime of wealth and fame....... then, and only then, do you have the opportunity to label your president a terrorist, turn on your country and applaud it’s enemies.

Overheard comments:

Fidel Castro: Did you hear what that Banana just said??!!!!

Hugo Chavez: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Evo Morales: You #1!! You #1!! You wanna take some Coke home?

AARP Members: One round of heart medication .... on the house!!!!!!!!!

" Backache Hill "

The Movie:

Preview:

Following the success of Brokeback Mountain, a new movie is about to be released called "Backache Hill ". Based on a true story, it takes place in the early 1900s somewhere in the great Southwest.

It’s a love triangle between two very very lonely cowboys (Chad and Randy) and a wild horsey named Cookie.

Chad, a retired Proctologist, meets Randy (Cowboy and part time preacher) at a wild horsey roundup when they both lasso Cookie. A friendship soon develops and both cowboys share a great fondness for each other and Cookie. When the "special" relationship is discovered during a recitation of Home on the Range being sung around the Chuck Wagon one night, the other cowpokes are stunned and seem to be very intolerant, even a little angry. At that time, Toleration was unheard of much less Political Correctness even though they were in or near California.

Chad, Randy and Cookie decide to leave and run away to Utah. There they become born again Mormons and live happily ever after. Sometime later they appear on the Maury Povich show and through a DNA test, it’s determined that neither Randy nor Chad is the father of the brand new colt.

"WARNING ICONS"

Everything is either BLINKING or BUZZING.

The difference between the "Icemans" understanding of the ICONS and the manufacturers.

" JOISY BANS BUTTS "

The GREAT STATE OF NU JOISY:

Aside from being the murder capital of the U.S., the home of Chemicals ARE US, and drug infested cities etc., etc., the state has finally cracked (no pun intended) down on the biggest threat to the population .... SMOKERS.

No longer faced with this horrific activity, Joisy will soon focus on the second most dangerous addiction ...... TWINKIES.

The eradication of this habit will also eliminate numerous lawsuits brought on by street corner drug dealers slipping on discarded second hand TWINKIE wrappers.

Joisy politicians (those that haven’t been indicted yet) are in the process of determining where to shift the taxes from cigarettes ...... maybe COKE .... the soda.

Anyway, the citizens can breathe easy ...... no more smokes. Now all you have to do is suck in all the exhaust fumes and toxic chemical vapors while dodging murderers and the like.
As the slogan of one of our straight governors once stated.......

JOISY AND YOU .... PURRRRFECT TOGETHER.

The smoking lamp is lit.