LA BAN

LOS ANGELES HAS PUT A BAN ON ALL FAST FOOD RESTAURANTS IN ORDER TO CURB OBESITY AND PROMOTE A HEALTHIER LIFESTYLE.

WITH THE RECENT LEGALIZATION OF MARIJUANA AND THE ENCOURAGEMENT OF ENTREPRENEURS TO OPEN MORE GAY BARS, THE CITY FATHERS BELIEVE THE BAN WILL HAVE MINOR PROTESTS FROM THE COMMUNITY.

SALMONELLA

THE FDA HAS FINALLY TRACKED DOWN THE SOURCE OF THE RECENT SALMONELLA OUTBREAK.

IT CAME FROM A FARM IN MEXICO.

APPARENTLY THE SIGNS THAT WERE POSTED .....................

" NO URINATING ON DA PEPPERS "

WERE WRITTEN IN ENGLISH.

AUTO INSURANCE 08/09

DA ICEMAN MADE DA GRADE 1 MO X. HIS ENNSHOONCE CO. HAS GENEROUSLY GIVEN HIM DA GIFT OF RENEWAL.

PROBABLY BECAUSE, HE DON'T GO NOWHERE, HE DON'T DO NOTHIN, AN HE STILL GOTS SOME A HIS STIMULOUS DOUGH LEFT.

WHAT'S GREAT ABOUT THIS COVERAGE IS, IT'S ONLY FOR 6 MTHS AT A CRACK ..... NOT LIKE BEFORE WHEN YOU GOT A YEARS WORF OF INSURANCE. IT MIGHT COST THE SAME BUT .... WHO KNOWS .... YA MIGHT CROAK OR BE COMMITED IN THOSE EXTRA MTHS.

ANYWAY ..... THANK GOODNESS THEY BOILED THE PAPERWORK DOWN TO 53 PAGES. IT'D PROBABLY BE A LOT MORE IF DA CAR ACTUALLY MOVED NOW & THEN.

IF YA EVER GET A COUPLE EXTRA HRS AN FEEL LIKE READING, YA MIGHT LOOK OVER YOUR POLICY. IT'S ALOT LIKE YOUR HEALTH INSURANCE COVERAGE. 52 & 3/4 PAGES EXPLAINS WHAT YOUR NOT COVERED 4. (WHICH IS MOSTLY EVERYTHING THAT COULD POSSIBLY HAPPEN)

THERE SHOULD BE A LINE LOCATED IN DA RIGHT HAND CORNER, BOTTOM OF PG 53, THAT SAYS U HAVE INSURANCE AND WILL RECEIVE A CUTE LITTLE CARD IN THE MAIL ... AFTER THEY CASH YOUR CHECK.

CAN'T WAIT 2 C MY NEW HOMEOWNERS POLICY.

DID I HEAR MY INSURANCE COMPANY BANKRUPTED?? (BLEEP!!!)

HONK IF YA LOVE JESUS OR R VOTEIN 4 OBAMA !!!

MR. PRESIDENT !!!!

OH NO !! .... ANOTHER WARNING:

THIS TIME IT'S

RADON !!!!!!!!

FROM YOUR SUPER DUPER, BRAND SPANKING NEW, MUST HAVE .....................

GRANITE COUNTERTOPS

LOOK. DON'T GET TOO EXCITED! AFTER ALL, EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE HACIENDA IS EITHER CONTAMINATED OR A DEFINITE CANCER CAUSING AGENT.

THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN IS YOU'LL HAVE TO (BLEEP)CAN ALL THE TOPS AND REPLACE THEM WITH FIBERGLASS ........... UUGGHH? ... WAIT A MINUTO.

OK ... SO ANYWAY .... YA GOTTA GET THIS STUFF TESTED PRONTO.

WHILE YOUR AT IT .... YA MIGHT AS WELL GET THE WHOLE JOINT TESTED. THAT WAY .... YOU'LL HAVE PEACE OF MIND. JUST DON'T GET TOO UPSET IF THE RESULTS R A LITTLE EARTHSHAKING.

YA KNOW .... MAYBE THE BEST WAY TO AVOID THIS IS TO MOVE.

OH!! THE HOUSE IS IN FORECLOSURE? FORGET IT.

REMEMBER: DON'T SMOKE.

NOPE !! ....... LASERS

& OTHER ASSORTED DEFENSE SYSTEMS!!

COOL!!!!!

AMERICAN AIRLINES HAS INSTALLED THE FIRST LASER ARMED COMMERCIAL AIRCRAFT.

CAN'T YOU JUST SEE THE REACTION THE NEXT TIME YOUR PILOT JUMPS ON THE PA AND SCREAMS:

"OK SHOPPERS !!!! BUCKLE UP AND HOLD TIGHT !!!!!!! "

NEXT YEAR THE AIRLINES WILL ISSUE FLAK JACKETS TO EVERY OTHER PASSENGER. THE REST WILL BE GIVEN PARACHUTES AND HELMETS.

REMEMBER: NO SMOKING ON THE PLANE. THE SMOKE IRRITATES OTHER PASSENGERS & MAY CLOUD THE PILOTS GUNSIGHT.

WHODA THUNK IT??

YUP ..... THAT'S RIGHT !!! YA JUS MIGHT NOT SEE IT UP ON TV OR A MARQUEE SOMEWHERE

BUT .............................

SCIENTISTS' HAVE DISCOVERED A POSSIBLE CURE FOR THE BIG C

FROM WHERE YOU ASK !!!!?????

GIVE YOU ONE (1) GUESS !!!!

http://www.news-medical.net/?id=40149

WHAT THE (BLEEP) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOOKS TO ME LIKE A SMOKE AND A HOT CUP A JOE IS NOW GOIN TO BE THE HTG HEALTHY BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS (AND DA ICEMAN) ONCE AGAIN.

POPE MESSAGE:

YOU SHOULD REALY CONSIDER THIS ADVICE TO BE SAVED.

SO .... IF YOUR SITTING ON A HUNDRED+ BILLION OR SO ................................................

( N ) AGAIN

JESSE CALLED BARACK AN N. GUESS U HEARD IT 2. WELL, THE REV ALSO SAID HE WANTS TO CUT HIS BALLS OFF.

ME THINKS I'D RATHER BE MORE CONCERNED ABOUT THE LATTER.

THE REST OF THE POSSE DOESN'T SEEM THAT CONCERNED ABOUT IT BUT SUGGEST THE REV SHOULD BE STRIP SEARCHED BEFORE APPROACHING THE CANDIDATE FROM HERE ON IN.

NEW KOREAN

NAVIGATION SYSTEM

LOOKS LIKE KOREA HAS JUST AS MANY DRUNKS AS WE HAVE.

THIS NEW SYSTEM CAN DETERMINE JUST HOW DRUNK YOU ARE. IF U DRIVE ANYWAY ... THE NAV SYSTEM WILL DIRECT U 2 THE NEAREST POLICE STATION OR BAR .... WHICHEVER U PREFER.

ALREADY HARD AT WORK ON THE NEXT SYSTEM GENERATION ... IT WILL TELL YOU IF YOUR TOO FAT, TOO UGLY OR JUST 2 (BLEEPING) STUPID 2 DRIVE.

THESE NEW SYSTEMS HAVE BEEN OUTLAWED IN DC.

POLL BLACK VOTERS

WOWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

98% HUH!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOT MUCH ROOM FOR WHITEY.

NO PREJUDICE HERE I'M SURE.

GIVE SHARPTON OR JESSE A BUZZ. JUST 4 KICKS.

WASSUP AL??

COINCIDENCE ?????????

CLICK ....... ZZZZZZZ ...... YOUR # HAS BEEN TEMPORARILY BLOCKED ...... CLICK

HELLOOOO AL?? ..... AL ...... ALBERT ??? ...... U THERE ??

NEW YORKER

JULY 2008

BIG CONTROVERSEY.

COMPLETELY UNTRUE !!

MICHELLE

#1 - MICHELLE HAS NO WEAPONS PERMIT YET.

#2 - NOT HER HAIRSTYLE.

#3 - DOESN'T WEAR HER COMBAT BOOTS IN PUBLIC.

BARACK

#1 - BARACK NEVER WEARS HIS GRADUATION GOWN.

#2 - STOPPED WEARING HIS TURBAN WEEKS AGO.

#3 - REFUSES TO WEAR HIS SANDALS AROUND THE HOUSE CAUSE MICHELLE KEEPS STEPPING ON HIS TOES WITH HER BOOTS.

#4 - PORTRAIT IS NOT SADDAM. IT'S FAVORITE UNCLE CORNELIOUS MOHAMMED. ( FOUNDER OF HERTZ CAMEL RENTALS)

#5 - BURNING FLAG WAS ATTACHED TO OLD JACKET HE WORE ALL THRUGH HARVARD WHILE DELIVERING PIZZAS IN ORDER TO PAY HIS $300,000 TUITION.

FANNIE & FREDDIE

THE TWO LARGEST MORTGAGE COMPANIES IN THE U.S. ARE IN BIG TIME TROUBLE.

LOOKS LIKE THEY STOLD A LITTLE TOO MUCH FROM THE SYSTEM AND NOW THE FEDS HAVE TO TAKE THEM OVER.

THANK GOODNESS. NOW WE CAN ALL SLEEP TIGHT TONIGHT.

THIS BUSINESS IS REALLY CONFUSING TO MOST PEOPLE BUT THIS CHANGE IS MORE OR LESS LIKE DUMPING JESSE JAMES AND HIRING THE CEO OF ENRON TO STRAIGHTEN OUT THE PROBLEMS.

SEE ..... NO PROBLEM. NOW GO AHEAD ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS AND DON'T WORRY SO MUCH.

OH ... ABOUT THAT CA. BANK ... U KNOW ... THAT OTHER LITTLE THING THE FEDS ARE TAKING OVER??? .... THE BIGGEST LOSS IN AMERICAN HISTORY ???? ..... NOT TO WORRY ...... RIGHT ????

ONLY 90 OTHER BANKS TO GO.

GUESS I REALLY AM ONE OF THOSE "HALF FULL" PESSIMISTS.

MUST BE MY IMAGINATION.

RECESSION ???

WHO SAID THAT !!???

JUST BECAUSE SOME OF US LOST OUR JOB, OUR HOUSE, OUR CAR, OUR SAVINGS AND OUR HEALTH INSURANCE DOESN'T MEAN THINGS ARE BAD ALL OVER.

NO .... IT DOESN'T. NO..... NO. NOT AT ALL. WERE JUST (BLEEPED).

SAY BUDDY ..... CAN YA SPARE 5 BUCKS FOR A STARBUCKS & MAYBE 7 BUCKS FOR A PACK A SMOKES .... AND COULD YA SLIP ME A C NOTE FOR A FILLUP?

LUCKY ... LUCKY ... LUCKY

LOTTOOOOOOOOOO

YUP!! YA GOTTA BE LUCKY.

LOOKS LIKE YA GOTTA BE LUCKIER THAN U THINK.

SEEMS THAT THE COMMON PRACTICE FOR THE STATES IS TO SELL TICKETS THAT HAVE ZERO CHANCE OF WINNING ANYTHING.

WELL ??????????? ..... I GUESS THAT'S OK FOR THE BUREAUCRATS RUNNING THE SHOW. AFTER ALL ..... WHAT'S A FEW HUNDRED MILLON BUCK FRAUD.

TWO THINGS:

1 - LAWYERS HAVE FILED A CLASS ACTION SUIT ON BEHALF OF THE LOTTERY PLAYING CITIZENS. I'M POSITIVE, THE LAWYER FEES WILL NOT BE EXCESSIVE AND THEY WILL MAKE DAM SURE YOU GET YOUR DOLLAR BACK ..... MAYBE MORE LIKE A DIME IS A BETTER BET.

2 - YOU CAN REST ASSURED THAT NONE OF THESE PEOPLE ARE SNATCHING ANYTHING ELSE FROM THAT ZILLION DOLLAR POT A GOLD EACH WEEK.

APOCALYPSE

THE PREDICTION

2010

A HUGE GROUP OF PEOPLE HAVE GIVEN US THE DATE .... SO HERE'S YOUR TO-DO LIST.....

1 - OBTAIN A 30+ YR MORTGAGE.

2 - CANCEL LIFE INSURANCE.

3 - BORROW AS MUCH MONEY AS YOU CAN.

4 - MAX OUT ALL YOR CREDIT CARDS.

5 - FIND OUT WHAT GROUP MADE THE PREDICTION. IN THE EVENT THE APOCALYPSE

FAILS TO COME ABOUT .... THERE WILL BE A CLASS ACTION LAWSUIT.

PS: BY COINCEDENCE, THAT SAME SAME YEAR, PRES. OBAMA WILL DECLARE A NATIONAL HOLIDAY COMMERATING THE JOYS OF BARBECUING.

THE SMOKING LAMP IS LIT. SMOKE EM IF YA GOT EM.

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY !!!

ON THIS DAY .... AMERICANS .... EVEN HYPHINATED AMERICANS ( AFRICAN-AMERICANS, POLISH-AMERICANS, IRISH-AMERICANS, GAY-AMERICANS, TRANSGENDER AMERICANS, ILLEGAL-AMERICANS) CELEBRATE THEIR FREEDOM & INDEPENDENCE.

ONLY HERE ... CAN SENATORS & CONGRESSMEN (and ladies) TAKE TIME OUT FOR VACATION WHILE THE ENTIRE COUNTRY IS GOING TO HELL.

ONLY HERE ... CAN BOTH LEGAL AND ILLEGAL CITIZENS ..... STAND SHOULDER TO SHOULDER WHILE FILLING UP THEIR $70K SUV WITH $150C FUEL AND HEAD TO THE SHORE AFTER CASHING THIS WEEKS UNEMPLYMENT OR WELFARE CHECK.

WITH ALL OF IT'S PROBLEMS, THE U.S.A. IS TRULY BLESSED.

HOW DO YOU SAY THAT IN MANDARIN???

MAGIC

YES! IT'S TRUE.

SCIENTISTS' AT JOHNS HOPKINS HAVE DISCOVERED THAT THE SO-CALLED

"MAGIC MUSHROOMS"

PRODUCE SOME SORT OF A RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE.

80% OF THE PEOPLE INVOLVED WITH THE TEST REPORTED A HEAVENLY EXPERIENCE.

THE REST OF THE VOLUNTEERS WERE REPUBLICAN LAWYERS OR POLITICIANS.