Fill Er Up:

"Just give me a 100 Bucks worth"

Are these "the good old days" I thought? Heavens to (Bleeping) Betsy. It seems like yesterday when you got gas, the attendant spoke English, checked your oil, water, tires, and cleaned your windshield. Lots of times you were given some dishes or maybe even a free car wash, that is, only if you went for the whole ten dollar fill up.

Yesterday the Iceman pulled into his local neighborhood multimillion dollar Mega Station, just off the I95 parking lot.

Where these (Bleeping) people are going I don’t know, but their all late and it always seems to me their living in the opposite place. There’s just as many cars going South as North.

So the Iceman pulls in:

Morning! Fill it with 87 please.

Not so fast Afendi. You sure you want to fill it?

Of course, it’ll take a quarter tank just to get home on the parking lot.

OK. Would you like to talk to our Petroleum Financial Consultant?

No. Just fill it up.

AMX Gold Card or Check?

Cash.

Cash!!? You carry that kinda money on you!!? Praise Allah, another rich Senator or Congressman. Maybe you have lots of Exxon shares?

Where did you learn English? I noticed you have no problem counting.

From all the wonderful troops you have in my homeland. Nice boys.

Check the air in my tires will you? One seems a little low.

Who the (Bleep) do you think you are? Check em yourself. If you got anything left after this fill, you can BUY all the air you want over at our air pump. As for your windshield ..... don’t even think about it. Press a button you lazy fat SOB. Come in here and boss me around for a lousy 100 bucks!!
You better hope this company doesn’t bull (Bleep) you more with these hurricanes or the next time you gas up you’ll have to (Bleep) me.

Where’s the nearest Hybrid dealership around here?

Beep Beep III:

The continuing saga of "Darth."


So I’m sittin at my computer last night and half listening to one of CNNs squawking heads at the same time. And he’s goin on and on about how the worlds coming to an end in Texas. They’ve got about a million poor souls on the road and heading north from Galveston, Houston and a whole bunch of smaller towns. It sounded so scary I quit my POGO game and went to the other room to watch. There it was. What a traffic jam. Holy (Bleep), a hundred mile backup. Wow!

The shock of seeing all those cars stuck in that traffic suddenly reminded me of one thing. Darths wheels needed balancing "AGAIN". Next morning I cruise over to the Dodge dealership. Not really looking forward to another one-sided discussion with one of their supreme "Service Specialists." I’d love to know where they dig up these tittles.

Service Specialist: Good morning. What’s your problem?

Iceman: Darths wheels are wobbling.

Service Specialist: Wobbling? Last time you said they were wiggling. Which is it?

Iceman: What the (Bleeps) the difference? Their out of balance.

Service Specialist: Now their out of balance! Our Specialist fixed that last time!

Iceman: And? I’m back again. What does that tell you?

Service Specialist: Well, for one thing it tells me your a whiner & complainer. About when do they wiggle, wobble or whatever!?

Iceman: 75 & 80.

Service Specialist: Excuse ME? You do know the limit is 65?

Iceman: Yea. I guess that’s why the speedometer goes to 160.

Are you going to fix the (Bleeping) thing or not?

Service Specialist: I guess we’ll have to. We aim to please. You gonna wait for it?

Iceman: Yea, unless you have a loaner.

Service Specialist: Your kiddin right?

Iceman: No. I just thought having to bring back Darth three times in two months for the same problem you just might ....................

Service Specialist: LOL. Oh my God, where the hell you been for the last ten years? Sit down, shut the (Bleep) up and don’t talk to any of the other suckers in the waiting room.

Iceman: Do you have any of those "Customer Satisfaction" forms handy?

And now:

THE NEWS

"Catastrophe - Disaster - War (and other grim predictions)"

AM TV NEWS / New Orleans

Reporters: Hugh Shriek & Ida Hoe

Good morning viewers. We’ve got some good news and some bad news this morning. The good news is, I’m (Hugh) still on the air spewing out one nasty tidbit after another and Ida is on location somewhere in the city, unable to give us more live pictures of unbelievable devastation.

Here’s the latest:

Our fair city has been devastated by a Cat 5 Hurricane, the Levee’s failed and we’re under twenty feet of flood water. Looters run rampant through the streets and half the police force have abandoned us. There’s no phone service, power, food or water. The Mayors moved to Dallas, the Governors drunk and the city’s on fire.

Now for the bad news .............................

CATEGORY " 5 "

THE BIG 1.

Part III

FAST FORWARD:

February 2006:

Mayors New Office:

Well Mr. Mayor, how’s New Orleans shapen up?

Pretty good so far but we still have an awful lot of counting to do.

What are you counting? The poor folks returning to Norleans?

(Bleep) no. This is the bucks that keep rollin in from the Feds and all those donations from all over the place.

Are you keeping track of where it’s going and how your dispersing the money?

It’s not easy in "The Big Easy". My Benz hasn’t been delivered yet and they haven’t quite finished building my house. Most of the councilmen keep bugging me for swimming pools at their new places and their miffed because I only ordered Hummers for them. You just can’t satisfy these people, even with doubling everybodys pay.

How bout the poor folks?

Poor folks? No more. Carters got his Habitat bull(bleep) happenin down here. Putin up houses all over the place for nothin. Besides that, once they get their cut from all these class action suits, they’ll literally be livin on easy street.

Never thought of that. How bout jobs?

Jobs? No previous evacuee is required to work, no matter how many jobs are here, it’s the law. Their getting together at Town Hall meetings with Smith Barney, Merrill Lynch and the like to talk about investing in the new Casinos being built and maybe taking a few franchises.

Sounds pretty good. How about cars. Do they get cars?

Absolutely. Anyone that didn’t have a car to evacuate got one, just in case.

What’s the biggest problem facing the city right now?

Parking.

Storm Damage:

Step 2: Settlement

"IT’S ME AGAIN"

Insurance Company: Claim Dept..

Hello. Insurance company? It’s the Iceman again.

Oh yes, your ears must be burning. We were just talking about your case.

Great, cause I’m really in deep (Bleep) out here. No house, car, job, nothin. Where do I get my check?

Where? When and how much is more like it.

What? Wadda you mean? I been a customer for 15 years!!!

Well, for starters, we need pictures of your house, all the stuff inside, including receipts for each thing, pictures of the damage and a copy of your policy.

Are you kidding me, all that stuff was washed away in the flood after the storm.

Flood? Did you say flood?

Don’t you watch the TV? Yea, after I was blown out of the house.

It says here your not covered for flood. Nope, no flood. No asteroids, nukes, lottsa things. And we see a comment that you had a late payment in 82.

Listen, I just had a claim a couple months ago when the basement flooded.

Wow! That makes this harder my man. We don’t pay duplicate claims that close to each other and you might have to return that check.

What the hell have I been paying these premiums for!

Probably a mix-up in paperwork. Did you read the fine print?

Nobody does.

OK. That about raps it up for us. Is there anything else we can do for you?.

Where’s the nearest gun shop? I’ll be needin some fresh ammo.
CLICK

Storm Damage:

Step 1: File your claim.

"Your in GOOD HANDS"


So we got this big storm and my house was wiped. Roof is gone, walls, and the place was flooded worse than last time. Good thing I’m in "GOOD HANDS". Gonna call the Insurance company right now.

Hello. Insurance company?

Yes.

My house is gone from this storm.

Who is this?

I’m a customer. Been one for 15 years.

You have to call your agent.

His place is gone too and all I get is a busy signal.

Atsa shame. Whata you gonna do now?

That’s why I called you. He’s your agent.

Are you sure? Maybe he has you insured with somebody else.

I know it’s you. Been a customer for 15 years.

What’s your eleven digit policy number?

I don’t know! All that stuff was in the house!

That’s a problem. What’s your agents name and phone number?

I told you, his place is gone too.

OK. We’ll look into it and call you back later.

But I don’t have a phone either. How are you going to .......
CLICK

THE BIG 1.

Part II









Monday:

Good morning Mayor. CNN here.
Looks like Norleans missed a head on collision again.

Yes we did, but we have alot of wind damage. Good thing I told the people they should get the (Bleep) out. The Governor didn’t want to but I did. I guess that makes me Mr. Wonderful.
Move outa way, FOX wants an interview.

Tuesday:

Mayors Apartment (27th Floor)
Watchin TV 10

Holy (Bleep). Katie just told Matt the Levee broke.
Nobody told me! How the hell do they find out this (Bleep)? Quick, get the Governor on the phone!

RING RING
Governors Mansion.

Put the Governor on the line. This is the Mayor.

Is this important? She’s eating breakfast and has to go on CNN again. Your in big trouble. She didn’t give you the OK to evacuate the city.

That’s right, and the Levee broke Wolf said. What now Big Shot?

You’ll have to talk to the Governor. I’ll see if she’s available.
(muffled conversation)

Hello Mayor? Did you evacuate the people like I told you?

Here we go again!!! Listen! Alot of these people can’t get to the stadium. We should send those 250 bus’ over to pick them up.

What for? Don’t they go through the car wash on Mondays? That waters dirty as (Bleep). Can’t they get a cab or something?

I never thought of that. Hell, they oughta be able to get to the stadium on foot. Their not helpless. They could even use Public Transportation.

Stadium?

Yeah! Stadium! According to the citys Disaster Plan, the people go to the stadium. I looked it up.

Disaster Plan?

Geezzz. I don’t know. I’ll have to think it over. Are we supposed to give them stuff to eat there too?

It’s got vending machines and their supposed to take some groceries with. Just like camping. I already told them to go there .

Dam! Can’t you get it through your thick head "I’M" the only one that issues orders, NOT YOU.

Well, how bout it?

I have to think about it. I’m watchin that clown from Homeland Security and his sister from FEMA on CNN, and the Red Cross is driving me nuts wantin to go into the city.
None of you pissants can make a move without the BIG MAMMAS OK.

Bull (Bleep). I’M the mayor.

(to be continued)

THE BIG 1.

Part I







Saturday:

Mayors Apartment (27th Floor)

Good mornin Mayor.
Mornin. Coffee ready?

Yup. What you gonna do?
Bout what?

Weather channel says we’re gonna get a Cat 5 hurricane.
They been saying that for the last 20 years and nothin happened.

Well, Wolf Blitzer is sayin it’s gonna happen and you know what that means.
Yeah. It means if I don’t do something fast and we do have some flooding, he’ll blame the low man on the totem pole. Monotone cracker SOB.

I’ll call the governor and let her know I want to tell everybody to get the (Bleep) outa town. That’ll let me off the hook.

RING RING

Governors Mansion.
This is the Mayor. Let me talk to the Governor.

Why?
Because fool. We’re supposed to get this storm.

I’ll put you on hold.
Hold? Why hold?

She’s putting on her make up.
How long is this going to take?

She uses a lot of makeup. What kind of music do you want to hear?
Little too early for Rap. Got any Jazz?

Hello Mayor. Whats up?
Bla, Bla, Bla
So how bout we get these people out.

Now wait a minute. Don’t be so hasty. Give me a day or so to think it over. Usually I wait to see how many reporters they show getting blown around on the beach to gauge how bad any storm is. I’ll get back to you.
I’m not waiting.
CLICK
Mayors Apartment (27th Floor)

Open up that window.
Why?

I’m going to scream "Everybody out".
What the hell is that all about?

Why not? The Pope says stuff from his window doesn’t he?

SUNDAY:
Governors Mansion:

RING RING

Governors Mansion.
Put the Governor on the phone.

Who is this?
The President.

What kind of music do you prefer?
Country Western.

Hello. W? How YOU doin?
Listen. I saw Blitzer last night. He says your going to have a great big storm so we’re taking over.

Bull (Bleep). Me and the Mayor are thinking about letting our people know there’s a storm coming just in case they didn’t see it on one of the 500 channels.
I’m the number 1 man, the President of the most powerful country on earth, the big Kahuna and I’m telling you we’re taking over.

Who’s "we"?
My buddies running FEMA and HOMELAND SECURITY.

Do they know what there doing?
I guess so. One guy had something to do with horseys and the other one did alot of stuff with lawyers or something.

I’ll think about it and get back to you "W".

CLICK

What the (Bleep)! Put that (Bleep) on my list.

Governors Mansion:

Get the Mayor on the phone.

RING

Hello.
Mayor?

Yea.
I just got off the land line with "W".

Wow! You know him personally?
He says if you don’t get your (Bleep) out there and tell those people to get the (Bleep) out, he’s going to make you a Zoo keeper.

Well (Bleep) him and (Bleep) you too. Matter of fact, I put the word out already. So there.
You went over me?

Yea. Good thing too. They keep showing the same reporter getting blown around over and over and over.
OK. That move covers my (Bleep) just in case this thing fizzles.

Who do they want to send down here?
Not sure. Seems like they want to round up all the horseys and lawyers. I’m not sure.

OK. Have a nice day.

CLICK

Governors Mansion:

RING RING RING
Presidents Crawford Ranch.
Let me speak to "W".

Who is this?
The Governor.

Hold on.
OH GEORGE!!! It’s for you.
Who is it?
That (Bleep) again.
Praise the Lord. Hello!
Yea. "W". Go ahead. I just told the Mayor to get everybody outa town.
When can we expect your buddies.

Well, not really sure. First I have to find them and then see whether or not they feel like working on a Sunday. Looks like maybe midweek or so BUT you can tell everybody "Help is on the way".
Cool. Just remember. If anybody asks, you, the number 1 man, the President of the most powerful country on earth, the big Kahuna, had to ask ME, the number 1 (Bleep) in this state, for permission.

CLICK BZZZ (MUSIC)
I’m a rhinestone cowboy, do dah dah, do dah dah ......

That SOB (Bleeper).
CLICK
(to be continued)

Anyone see the MAYOR ?

GOVERNOR ?

SENATOR ?

CONGRESSMAN ?

PRESIDENT ?

ANYONE ?????????????????????

- OUT TO LUNCH - BE BACK IN 5 (DAYS THAT IS) -

NO BIG DEAL:

CITYS UNDER SIEGE - ON FIRE - UNDER WATER
AND OH YEA - 100,000 CITIZENS ARE DYING

New Orleans:
Rounded approximate numbers:

Population: 500,000

Black: 70% = 350,000
White: 30 % = 150,000

Approximate number of people remained in city:

20% = 100,000

Black: 98% = 98,000
White: 2%

Reasons for not evacuating (mandatory):
(Which started Monday / Tuesday)

Ride it out: +/- 50% = 50,000
Too late to leave: +/- 25% = 25,000
Economic / Incapacitated / Hospitalized: +/- 25% = 25,000

Authority remained to assist:

Police: +/- 1,500
Those that remained: +/- 50% = 750
City Officials (Including Mayor): 0

Calls for Federal help and assistance (food / water / sanitation / protection): Tuesday

Arrival: Friday / Saturday (thousands without basics totaled 5 days)

Federal Authorities begin congratulatory messages: Wednesday

No City, State, or Federal representative stayed with THEIR people.

Leadership: ZERO

News: Newscasters remained with people from day 1.

National plea for HELP (daily).

Evacuate to WHERE: No CLUE

TIP: WRITE THIS DOWN:

Where: Dozens of Military bases (closed)
Each capable of housing 50,000 plus.

Prejudice: Non-existent. The entire country is furious over what has taken place.

All AMERICANS are disgusted and ashamed.

Time to reshuffle leadership. Vote.

Old Orleans !!


New Orleans !!!!!


No Orleans !!!!!!


We’re prepared ????

We are ?????

For what ?????



This horrific disaster is the biggest catastrophe to hit the U.S..

The only thing that trumps the physical damage is the absolute (Bleeping) incompetent handling of the entire situation. The old expression " This is no way to run a railroad" is true. In this case, the engineers’ are non-existent. It seems the train is loaded to the gills, but no one knows where it is or where to take it even if by some miracle one of these bureaucrats stumbles over it.

Innocent people are dying, have died, and many more will loose their lives for no other reason than pure (Bleeping) bureaucratic incompetence. Who can deny it? These people should be ashamed of themselves. I’m certainly ashamed of them and none of this crap means much if your starving and dying of thirst. Yes, THIRST!!!! NOT more of that (Bleeping) GOBBLY GOOK "dehydration" bull (bleep). That’s part of what’s wrong. All of these big shot (Bleepers) are flappin their gums spouting blah blah this, blah blah that and nothing (Bleeping) happens.

Yes, I’ll say it, "If we can send a man to the moon ...... ", for Petes sake, exactly why in (Bleeping) hell can’t you get water and a few crumbs of food to people exposed to terrific heat, no roof, no nothing. Three (Bleeping) days!!!! and counting!!!

Looting??? Looting???? Your worried about LOOTING!!!! ??????

YOUR KILLING THESE PEOPLE YOU (BLEEPING) IDIOTS!!!!!

Guess what? If your family was in a similar situation, you wouldn’t? Please!!!!! The bureaucrats are (Bleeping) lucky they aren’t in the area. I can’t imagine any of them being there anyway, .... if they were, THERE’D BE PLENTY OF FOOD AND WATER, maybe even catered!!!!

People are beginning to think this has something to do with race. Their greatly mistaken. It does have everything to do with intelligence. Apparently the officials in charge of OUR SAFETY AND SECURITY are, to be kind, TOTAL IDIOTS. They should ALL be fired especially the mayor of New Orleans who hasn’t taken his head out from between his legs since this thing developed, except to turn the city over to thugs and criminals. This guy has got to go.

Army Corps of Engineers??? Give me a (Bleeping) break. As a government entity, it will NOT PERMIT YOU (a citizen) to own or operate an unsafe system of any kind. They did, no matter what the reason. Either literally add question marks to the title or do get the "Marines". The EPA!!!!! How many horror stories have you heard about this agency?? These people were 100% aware of the luming threat to this city and did nothing. Nothing at all. What a God awful shame.

What a sad and severe price to pay for arrogance and incompetence.

If this is an example of what we can expect from all this verbage about our precious Homeland Security, God forbid, if some lunatic sets off a bomb, you might as well kiss your (bleep) goodbye now.