To Report an ILLEGAL ALIEN:

Dial 1-900-277-3415-222-623
EXT: 2764981IA

Listen to Soundtrack from "COPS"

Connection Directions:

For English, " PRESS 1 "
For Spanish, " PRESS UNO "
For Hearing IMPARED, " Purchase a bigger phone "
For MORBIDLY OBESE, " USE PA SYSTEM and YELL"
If you need to speak to an operator, ask for PANCHO.
Whatever you do, do not say " FELIZ NAVIDAD "

" SEASONS GREETINGS "

Name (or rename) That Tune:

MERRRYYYY CHR...... (scratch that)

Think it can't happen???????

How does Happy EGG Day sound?

YOU BETTER WATCH OUT, YOU BETTER NOT CRY:

YOU BETTER STOP & WATCH OR YOU WILL CRY:
REAL SOON:

Merry Chris..... (scratch that). Happy Holid ... (scratch that too)
Look! Wipe that smile off your face, drop that "Jingle Bell" crap and shut the (Bleep) up.
Just buy somethin.

After surviving all the catastrophic weather this year, the Iceman (along with thousands of others) was looking forward to the "Holiday" season for a kind of pick-me-up. You know. Thanksgiving, Xmas, etc.., caroling, presents, the smell of Xmas trees & fire places.

Anxious to get the ball rollin in the spirit of things, the Iceman noticed his favorite Walmart would be opening its doors at 5 AM on "Black Friday", the start of the Chris... (scratch that) Holiday season. Huge sales. They’ve got everything that a billion Chinese could whip together for us. So naturally the Iceman jumps in his (made in America (mostly)) family truckster, and makes a 5 AM run to Mr. Walmart.

After the 2hr line wait ... the herd enters the colossus:

Iceman: Good morning! Merrryyyy Chri.......

Mrs.WM Greeter: STOP right there. Don’t say that. We can’t say that here. I don’t say it so you shouldn’t say it either. If you have to say it, you’ll have to go outside and say it.

Iceman: Is it not the Chri... (scratch that) Season? Can I not wish my fellow Americans, and 20 million illegal Americans a Merry Chr.........?

Mrs.WM Greeter: Another (Bleeping) word and your gone buster.

Iceman: Does this mean no Santa either?

Mrs.WM Greeter: We ordered a hit on that morbidly obese SOB a year ago. Him, that bunch of dwarfs, ...... put his main squeeze in a Hospice and we have enough venison to eat for 3 years. We took over his place at the Pole, put a "For Sale by Owner" sign out and sold it to Exon that same afternoon. Come to think on it, ... they start drillin next week.

Iceman: How the hell are all these presents going to be delivered now?

Mrs.WM Greeter: Rickshaw A HOLE.

Iceman: Let me get this right. Your an American Department Store (AKA Mart) that gets all your (Bleep) from China, especially this particular time of year, for no apparent reason, outed Nick and his whole posse and now your replacing the sled delivery? Why don’t you let some of the illegal Mexicans do it. Their doin a lot of breaking and entering anyway and they can read the Spanish instructions on the stuff as well.

Mrs.WM Greeter: SECURITY!!!!!!

Iceman: Do you gift wrap explosives?

At least the Iceman has his health:

OH YEAH!!!!!???

From da look of da last Blue Cross bill ...... he not so sure he can afford to find out.

It GOT COLD !!!!

CRANK UP THAT SUPER HEATER:

After this long long summer and watching those poor (Bleepers) fry in New Orleans the Iceman kinda was looking forward to the Fall. Wellll!!! Herrreee we are!!!! Got cold all of a sudden soooo, get a grip on the old thermostat, ... switch that baby from AC to HEAT and let er rip! Let er rip. I saaiidd, " Let er rip!" ...... RIP!! Please RIP! ..... Son of a (Bleep).

Here we go again. I hafta call my infamous South Jersey Gas Co (SJG) again. Having no fear of retaliation from these people because of previous confrontations (they never shut off the gas), I made the dooms day call.

Ring, Ring: Pleasant answering message ( tells you all you ever wanted to know about Gas Heat and just how wonderful the company is. Kinda makes you think they teamed up with Mother Theresa.

South Jersey Gas: Hello, SJG. What can we do for you?

Iceman: My heater won’t go on.

South Jersey Gas: Oh? What seems to be the problem?

Iceman: No heat and I’m cold.

South Jersey Gas: OK. We’ll send somebody out.

Iceman: When?

South Jersey Gas: You be home next week?

Iceman: Look. I’m cold now. Is that the best you can do?

South Jersey Gas: Your on the list. Do you want service?

Iceman: I’m on your "Service Sentry Protection Plan" but I guess your short a few Sentries. Send him out ASAP.

South Jersey Gas: That’ll be next Thursday between Noon and 5. Have a nice day and thank you for calling SJG. (click)

The guy shows up a few days later. He acts like he ate a plate of glass for lunch. I don’t think I’m on their preferred customer list.

SJG Technician: What’s wrong with your heater?

Iceman: Are you related to my Doctor? He asks me what’s wrong too. I don’t know! It won’t turn on.

SJG Technician: OK. I’ll check it out

Cling Clang Bang Bang: 15 / 20 minutes. I pop my head out.

Iceman: All done? Heaters on. Good job.

SJG Technician: Worst heater I ever saw. Piece of junk. Ya know what a KIA is? Same thing. Cheapest piece of crap you can get. Your lucky it works at all.

Iceman: It looks pretty good to me. Been running for 5 years. Never had a problem. Nobody ever said anything.

SJG Technician: Like I said. Piece of (Bleep). Sometimes they don’t run two years. I’m outa here.

Iceman: Well, thanks for gettin this pile of (Bleep) runnin for me. By the way. That truck your driven? Ever notice how many recalls their having on them? Something about brake failures and fires right before they roll over. You be extra careful now ya hear?

" Instant Choice System "

:Quick & Easy

Todays answering system that will guarantee results no more disappointing than the time you spend thinking about any particular question.

Have to make a choice? Use " Quick & Easy "

" NO PROBLEM "

VOTE - 2005

Understanding Todays Theory of Economics:

Iceman discuss’ new theory with professor Getmore in class:

Iceman: So Professor, I’ve been a businessman for most of my life. I bought things wholesale and then resold the products at a reasonable profit. The more I could purchase wholesale, the cheaper it was, and consequently I could lower the retail price. I was fortunate enough to make a decent living all these years.

GETMORE: AAHH. You see my friend, that’s the mistake many business people made. You can’t get that attached to the customer. Your supposed to squeeze every drop of blood out of them.

Iceman: What good is that? If the prices are too high, they won’t be able to buy anything.

GETMORE: Look. Rather than argue, I’ll give you some examples to prove my point. Tell me if I’m wrong. Insurance. Twenty plus years ago no one paid much. Today you pay more and more and more, while at the same time, you get less and less and less. How about gas or heating your house. People have to pay unbelievable prices for this stuff. Even I can’t believe it. Car prices are nuts. Houses?? My God man. Have you bought one lately?

Iceman: Yeah but most people are strapped and don’t have the cash to buy a lot of things even with two and three jobs.

GETMORE: Cash? Did you say CASH? How the hell old are you anyway? Ever hear the term "CREDIT CARD". It took a long time to get these fools used to plastic, and switching them from buying cars with cash, to focusing on monthly payments wasn’t easy. That gave everybody the opportunity to really boost prices without these boobs taking notice.

Iceman: What happens when they can’t make these payments?

GETMORE: You just cancel their insurance, repossess the car, foreclose on the house and resell the stuff to the next eager beaver who can handle the monthlies at the moment.

Iceman: What’s the point of all this? These people are broke. Now what?

GETMORE: That is exactly the point. When they go broke, somebody will issue them a new credit card with super high rates and that person will be right back in your place wanting to buy something else they don’t need. The icing on the cake is, you can charge them anything you want. See. It’s cyclical.

Iceman: I didn’t pay for this class yet. Can you take a check?

GETMORE: Cash only.