It’s Sunday, .... the Lords Day, ..... didn’t it used to be Saturday???
Q & A:
During the last Presidential election and all the religious questions that swirled around the candidates, I received an email from a close friend (a die hard Democrat). She kinda sorta was a little upset with Ws tendency to praise the Lord, thank the Lord, obey the Lord , and do Lord stuff. So, beeins I try mostly to cooperate with the Lord myself, she sent me this questionnaire. And my answer is ...... as I understood it.

Comment: (Friend)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

(Iceman) Theoretical answers:

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations.

Q: A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

A: Your friend is correct, but the latter only applies to French Canadians.

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7.

Q: In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

A: There is no established price, but the rule of thumb is based on the value of Microsoft at the closing bell each Friday and whether or not she is a heterosexual Republican.

3. I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness (Lev. 15:19).

Q: The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

A: You can usually tell by estimating the percentage of bitchiness the lady expresses when asked a simple question like "Who'd ya vote for?"

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9).

Q: The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

A: Absolutely not. You should explain to them that this is a contractual Merrill Lynch requirement and should not be viewed as a religious exercise.

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death.

Q: Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

A: Obviously, the police should kill the neighbor. First, because they bitched about the burning bull incident, Second, the police are less apt to be condemned for killing innocent people and Third, if you do it yourself, it would be considered work and some other neighbor might kill you, if you also do it on the Sabbath.

6. A Jewish friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality.

Q: I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

A: It is a lessor offense if you partake of shellfish on the Sabbath in San Francisco. There are great variations of degrees when you bomb a nation. During WWII, some reached the 3,000 level. Immediately following some of those incidents, many people were given the third degree ...... some by a 32nd degree Mason.

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight.

Q: I have to admit that I wear bifocal glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

A: Yes indeed, there is in fact "wiggle-room." The current proviso is, if in fact you were examined by, and purchased from, Goldmans Optometrist on South Street, on any day but the Sabbath, after we entered the new millennium, but before the Republican convention 2004, you may obtain a dispensation.

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27.

Q: How should they die?

A: This Biblical law was passed during the time of a World-Wide Barber strike and is ignored today, just like "only eat fish Friday ... or else!!". At that time however, Union lobbyists successfully managed to influence a majority of the politicians to pass the law.The law went ignored after the strike was settled but came to the forefront when the Beatles first arrived in the U.S.. Ed Sullivan expressed his opposition to the antiquated law on national TV even though Falwell and Robertson threatened to have him shunned or excommunicated..

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean.

Q: Can I still play football if I wear gloves?

A: This law is still in effect but has been greatly exaggerated. The precise explanation, as it applies to your situation: you do not have to wear gloves. You are just not permitted to throw an entire pig from person to person, although some Mennonites disagree.

10. I know of a man who has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot.

Q: Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them (Lev. 24:10-16)? Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws (Lev. 20:14)?

A: First of all, this man's crops were cannabis sativa and tobacco. Secondly, living in sunny California, his wife took to wearing string bikinis and see through "plastic" tops which were completely disassociated from either crop. The man curses and blasphemes a lot because tobacco is becoming more expensive than a joint.

The whole town did get together to discuss the situation, and ended up stoned. You missed it. As far as this "private affair" business goes; Clinton has publicly stated that any affair should remain "private", but you should avoid implementing the uses of tobacco products in any fashion other than actually smoking.

In closing, Jimmy Carter exempted Georgia Democrats from prosecution because of their tendency to sleep with in-laws.The argument was based on "sleeping with your sister" is commonplace in this state and not subject to the law, so why should a citizen be persecuted because of an in-law relationship? It's all family oriented.


Comment: (Iceman)

Remember one thing, God did not "write" the Bible. He "inspired" somebody else, who told somebody else, who told somebody else, who finally begat somebody else who happened to be undergoing Psychonalysis.While exploring the depths of long forgotten subconscious childhood memories, he suddenly recalled the stories past down to him.
The rest is history.

Pssssssssst!! Ya wanna what??

Coming to you from the great State of New Joisy, probably one of the leading Cancer capitols, huge producer of toxic chemicals, once famous for beach depositories of medical waste, proud to boast having the top rated murder cities in the U.S., on and on and on ...

As a safety first & health conscious resident, I’m here to applaud our two N.J. Assembly members for introducing a bill to prohibit smoking while driving. This new law, if enacted, will no doubt save millions of innocent people from being run down by some irresponsible (Bleeping) smoker, while at the same time, though removing a fraction more of his / her civil rights, preserve a few more gasps of breath the already Cancer ridden operator may have. Truly, a wonderful ambition I must say.

There is no telling how many accidents will be avoided by this law. Countless people have been involved in collisions with these (Bleeping) addicts while innocently snacking on a double beef patti, sipping a giant slush or that wake up brew, checking the navigation system, fiddling with the radio, reading the paper, makin a phone call or just applying makeup.

I sincerely wish all the best for our soon-to-be famous Assembly members and do hope that they have enough courage to ask their Proctologist to have their heads removed. Apparently the situation is critical.

WHAT !!...??

me worry??? !!!!!

WHAT THE (BLEEP)????

Dear Mr./Ms./Mrs. Watchovayou:

We have just received a notice from Wachovayou, Charlotte, NC.. I'm not exactly sure if this is Wachovayou Bank, Wachovayou Corporation, Wachovayou Securities or any other entity that may resemble Wachovayou Bank. With these companies sharing the same address', logo and web site, it's difficult to accept the explanation of separation between them that usually appears somewhere on any document you receive.

It's like Donna and Frank share identical last names, live in the same house, but, are not really associated, thereby limiting the risk of legal accountability.

The letter is very apologetic for this "incident" and offers tips & suggestions for you IF ........., in the event, ALL of your personal & private information HAS BEEN STOLEN (BLEEP!!!!).

Wachovayou is so heartbroken over this "incident", it even offers one (1) "free" year of credit bureau credit monitoring service from "........Guard," ... a fine, fine company. You can sign up for this "free" service simply by going to their web site (www..........com/security) and type in your special Validation Code. Type your name, address, etc.. Next question ... YOUR SS #. This is an absolute NO NO ANYWHERE ON THE INTERNET!!! Wachovayou believes it has a problem with THIS "INCIDENT"?,..... this activity is 100 x more of a threat. You have the option to call "..................." I did. The person I spoke to was the dumbest individual I have ever encountered in my 64 years on this planet. And this "free" service company is now entrusted with all this information? I firmly believe we, certainly not the company, now face a double-barrel threat of incompetence. (DOUBLEBLEEP !!!)

Here's a TIP and / or suggestion you may want to pass along to (Wachovayou) companies or corporations that may be associated with this "incident":

#1 - Any (bulk) clients personal information, such as, the clients "IDENTITY",
which includes SS numbers, bank accounts, investment accounts,
etc., ... may be worth transporting by "Bank Courier". The down
side is, you may have to assume a little more accountability.

#2 - If there is EVER anything you should NOT do, is type your SS #
ANYTIME, ANYWHERE on the Internet, no matter what security.
When applying for SS, they also have a Web Site, THEY will not
allow you to type in your SS#. HELLLLOOOO!!!!!!

I have emailed this information to you because I cannot locate any Wachovayou Corporate officers email address. Mr. ....... (Service Excellence Director) ... better change that title ... must be in the witness protection program. If you could forward any email address to me, I would appreciate it.

Frank "The ICEMAN"

Results of the "INCIDENT":

The good news is:

Most of the (BLEEPING) people that have my info now are upset because the credit cards were maxed out before they got their hands on them. I just hope they don't sue me for any embarrassment it may have caused them. Probably one of those TV lawyer ads specialize in this type of injustice. (BLEEP)

Beep Beep:

Have a decent set of wheels, one of those ballsy new Magnums. Steel Gray, low profile extra wide shoes, mags, .... the works. Makes for some kick ass rides once in a while. Kinda like sex at this stage. Anyway, super ride. Has that spaceship type appearance. I nicknamed my new wheels "Darth" as in Vader.


Recently, I received this letter from my local Dodge dealer. It put me on notice that Darth was due for State Inspection aaannnndddd, while your there anyway, oil change, etc.,etc.. Sooo, OK.
Check out the letter.


I interrupted my morning nap and ran Darth over to the place early the next morning. First one in the door as a matter of fact. Went straight up to the counter which is literally cluttered with leaflets and giant posters that boast "Excellent Customer Service" and things like "Stick with the Specialists". I guess this stuff is supposed to build your confidence so if anything goes wrong you assume it’s YOUR problem, not being a "Bleeping" SPECIALIST or anything.

The "Bleeping" Conversation:

Service Specialist: What can I do for you?
Iceman: I received this letter from you. (I presented letter)

Service Specialist: We don’t do State Inspections.
STRIKE 1

Iceman: But your letter, with your letterhead ...........
Service Specialist: NOPE .... want to change your oil?

Iceman: Doesn’t your letter say ...........
Service Specialist: You should rotate your tires at this mileage. You oughta have that done too. It says that on your computer file.

Iceman: Is that the same computer that sent me the notice?
Service Specialist: We don’t do Inspections and you don’t even need it till next year.
STRIKE 2

Iceman: How do you know that?
Service Specialist: I looked at your sticker!

Iceman: Did you take a real close look?
Service Specialist: Wadda you mean?
Iceman: YOU INSPECTED THE "Bleeping" CAR LAST YEAR!!!!

Service Specialist: We don’t do Inspections. Ya want oil and the rotation?
Iceman: Knock yourself out. I only live to keep up with all safety tips and factory maintenance on my vehicle. It runs perfect.
STRIKE 3

Next Day: All my wheels wobble. I sure hope Darth doesn’t need
major surgery. "Bleeping" A HOLES.

"Listen to me" - (The expression my sons remember most)

So? It presents an opportunity for "bleeping" critics like myself and other "bleeper" wanna be's to comment on most any topic that irritates the "bleeping" hell out of you. At the moment, I'm attempting to become somewhat familiar with this (easy to use) "bleeping" program.