GOOD NEWS

4 A CHANGE

THE RESULTS OF AN INTENSIVE STUDY CONCERNING EXERCISE HAVE BEEN RELEASED TO

JOHN Q. PUBLIC.

THE PRACTICE OF IN-PLACE STANDING IS NOW CONSIDERED TO BE EXERCISE. NEXT YEAR, THIS EXERCISE WILL BE INCLUDED IN THE IRON MAN MARATHON.

BOSTON WILL BEGIN A NEW COMPETITIVE MARATHON DEDICATED TO THIS SPORT. THE ICEMAN WILL COMPETE UNLESS FURTHER STUDY DISCOVERS THAT SITTING CAN, AND SHOULD BE, CONSIDERED EXERCISE AS WELL.

THIS WEEK ALSO ..... WE HAVE DISCOVERED THAT SALT IS DEFINITELY A KILLER. THE GOVERNMENT WILL NOW TAKE STEPS TO ELIMINATE SALT FROM OUR DIET. IT WILL CONTINUE IT'S EFFORT TO FAMILIARIZE CITIZENS WITH THE JOY OF HAVING ALL FOOD TASTING LIKE STRAW BUT LIFE EXPECTANCY WILL INCREASE.

AFTER FOLLOWING DOCTOR AND GOVERNMENT ORDERS TO SEARCH FOR CANCER BY SUBJECTING YOURSELF TO CAT SCANS ...... WE NOW KNOW THAT THE SCAN ITSELF GAVE YOU CANCER. I SUPPOSE THIS IS WHY THE DOCTORS SUSPICIONS HAVE BEEN CORRECT SO FAR. IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE IT BEFORE YOU TESTED ......... WELLLLL???

SO REMEMBER ...... DON'T SMOKE ...... AND IF YOU DO SMOKE ..................

STAND UP ..... THROW SALT OVER YOUR SHOULDER ...... AND GO GET A SCAN ASAP.

PATERNITY TEST KIT

AVAILABLE NOW - AT YOUR

LOCAL DRUG STORE.

YES LADIES ..... NOW YOU CAN DETERMINE WHICH ONE OF THE LAST 40 OR MORE GENTLEMEN YOU SLEPT WITH WILL HELP RAISE THE LITTLE TYKE.

ONLY ONE DRAWBACK ......

YA GOTTA HAVE A DNA SAMPLE FROM EACH DUDE.

SOOO ....... REMEMBER GIRLS .... NEXT TIME YOU STEP OUT TO A COMMUNITY RAGE PARTY .... OR JUST HANG OUT WIT DA HOMEYS ...........

TAKE SOME SWABS ....... JUST IN CASE.

PS: TEST KIT ALSO REVEALS JUST WHERE YA PICKED UP THAT NASTY INFECTION.

YOU NOW HAVE THE ANSWER TO THAT FAMOUS QUOTE .............

" WHOSE YOUR DADDY? "

NOT AGAIN !!!!!

CALIFORNIANS ARE HAVING SO MANY FIRES ..... AND NO RAIN ...

THEIR BEGINING TO BLAME IT ON THE BEACH BOYS SONG.

IN AN EFFORT TO QUELCH THE THREAT OF EVEN MORE FIRES .. THE LEFT-COASTERS ARE THINKING ABOUT ADOPTING WHAT GEORGIA DID TO GET SOME RAIN ...... PRAY.

A CONSIDERABLE NUMBER OF MALIBU RESIDENTS WERE ASKED TO PRAY BUT THEY CONTENDED THAT POLITICAL CORRECTNESS DICTATES THAT ANYTHING RELIGIOUS CAN NOT BE INVOLVED WITH AN OBVIOUS GOVERNMENT PROBLEM. ..... SIDES .... MOST OF THEM ARE SKIING IN VAIL, COLORADO AT THE MOMENT AND ALL OF THEIR HOMES ARE FULLY INSURED.

BRAND NEW STUDY

SMOKING CAUSES BALDNESS

THIS NEWLY RELEASED STUDY ON THE DEVASTATING EFFECTS OF CIGARETTES HAS LED TO UNINTENTIONAL CONSEQUENCE.

APPARENTLY, SMOKERS TEND TO THINK ............

IT'S A DILEMMA

PAKISTANS' NUKES

PROBLEM:

PAKISTAN MIGHT NUKE INDIA

BIGGER PROBLEM:

IF THAT HAPPENS ................

DELLS TECH SUPPORT IS

SHOT TO HELL.

IN ORDER TO AVOID ANY DISRUPTION, DELL IS PRESENTLY ENGAGED WITH NY IRANIAN TAXI DRIVERS WHO ARE INTERESTED IN MULTI-TASKING WHILE TRANSPORTING AMERICAN AMERICANS TO & FRO.

IF THEY ARE SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATIONS, AT LEAST YOU WILL NOT HAVE TO PRESS 1 WHEN MAKING A CALL. EVERYTHING WILL REMAIN THE SAME ....... YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND WHAT THE HELL THEIR SAYING EITHER ..... BUT YOU WILL LEARN HOW TO GET TO TIMES SQUARE ...... AT LEAST WHERE YOUR CABI / TECH GUY THINKS IT IS.

U F O SIGHTING

DENNIS SAW A UFO.

PROBLEM:

IT LOOKED FAMILIAR AND HE FELT HOMESICK.

NO NOOSES

IN THE NEWS:

FROM THIS DAY FORWARD, NO MENTION OF, OR PICTURES, OR WEARING OF NOOSES WILL BE TOLERATED.

APPARENTLY THIS SYMBOL HAS X CATTLE RUSTLERS ENRAGED.

THE WORD ITSELF WILL BE ADDED TO THE N WORD CATAGORY LIST.

AS U RECALL .... THE N WORD OFFENDED THOUSANDS OF NOTZIs IN THE U.S..

ATTEMPTs AT REMOVING THE R WORD (REPUBLICAN) FROM THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE HAVE BEEN FOILED.